EU has sustainable practices, robust regulations, and way less idiots in power. There is a lot of idiots, but the way regulation works, it's harder for them to fuckup. Not impossible, but harder.
Good chances that chicken plague is already here, but is dealt with appropriately and doesn't have this devastating results.
Also, no measles.

But can you imagine the scandal if one wore a tan suit?!

That's because a) the EU is a coalition of many different countries who all have their own flags, and b) we don't fetishize our flags nearly as much as Americans. Many countries have laws against putting the flag on merchandise, because it's seen as disrespectful.

I mean, setting aside the "We're from the Government and We're Here To Help" liberalism that American conservatives reflexively recoil at, I do find it disorienting to pretend a heavily rural American breadbasket would need agriculturally scarce Europe to send food aid.

This reminds me of the 90s US effort to do welfare politics in West Africa, by dumping millions of tons of excess agriculture into Trans-Atlantic wholesale markets. The flood of "free" food (with tons of political strings attached) shifted the balance of power to the African urban centers, as local agricultural markets collapsed and people flooded to the industrial centers to get food at below the domestic production cost. Political leadership capable of controlling the influx of foodstuffs rapidly consolidated power within major port cities. This gave rise to authoritarian governments, political purges, and ultimately two horrifying Congolese Wars (the second often referred to as The Great War of Africa).

Obviously, more complicated than this. Along with food "aid" we also delivered a surplus of "military aid" to our regional allies (a list that was constantly shifting between US and African administrations, particularly during the fallout of the failure of the Soviet Union). Then there were a host of local tribal conflicts and score-settling that got ramped up to eleven with the sudden glut of foreign wealth.

But maybe I'm drawing lines where none exist. Can you really imagine how the US economy might be upset by a sudden shift in who controls the supply of cheap imports? Can you imagine what our country would look like if it was flush with small arms or if we had a bunch of local land barons with short tempers and delusions of grandeur? Can you conceive of an America that had a bunch of poorly defined interior borders that suddenly become flashpoints of political tension?

I certainly can't. Bring on the flood of EU eggs!