First, sorry for dodging around some words here. I've got some trauma and a lot of words are hard for me to say. You don't need to watch your own language, it's only saying them, not hearing them, that triggers anxiety in me.
I'm gonna get right into it. I hate having a dick. I want to get surgery. Zero depth specifically, because I straight up don't have the mental willpower to go through dilating, no matter how infrequent. I can barely stand the fact that my hormones come out of a bottle instead of my body, so I don't need more reminders of what I am. I'd rather just feel like a girl born without a canal who chose to never have that fixed.
But that's not where the problem comes in. Now, for context, I'm a virgin, but nonetheless I know what I'd enjoy. I know I'd very greatly enjoy using what I already have for penetration. In fact, I know I'd enjoy it enough that the idea of getting rid of it for the option that I'm more comfortable with all of the rest of the time somehow seems unappealing. Like if I got rid of it, then I'd regret it in every sexual encounter for the rest of my life. I also know for certain I wouldn't enjoy using, say, a strap on nearly as much.
And that brings on an additional problem, because every other time I've consistently regretted not getting the surgery sooner. And now I feel like I'm having to pick between one regret or another, and I can't pick. No matter what I'm gonna wish I did the opposite.
Maybe I'd regret getting the surgery less, but how am I supposed to know until I've already gotten it? And that's the issue. The only way I can find to make this decision is to make it first and just wait and see if I regret it, and that feels horrifically irresponsible. I know I can't ask somebody else to make my decision for me, but does anybody at least have some advice to help me make it myself? Maybe an angle I haven't considered?
I've been on hormones over 5 years now and I just want to finally have some closure and feel like I've completed my journey. All that's left on my list is this and legally changing my name. Since I can't afford hair removal I'm just dealing with shaving. I don't hate my facial hair anyway, just don't want others to judge me for it. I just need to get every box ticked even if some of those boxes are gonna be ticked as "opt out."
I wish I had an answer for you, I'm in a somewhat similar situation though I've been on HRT longer, had an orchi, and am not a virgin. I mainly just try to ignore my genitals outside of sexual contexts. I have a high sex drive and I worry that a neo-vagina wouldn't be able to handle all the activities I'm interested in. If I could have a vulva+vagina without dilating I'd jump at the chance. Its weird though, for most of my life I had huge "bottom" energy and there was no real complication in terms of my desires. Then I kinda "rediscovered" my sexuality a couple years ago and it turns out I really enjoy topping. I don't have any specific advice other than to say life's a weird journey that will sometimes take you places you didn't expect. Good luck, hope you get to a place where you can be comfortable.