this post was submitted on 29 Feb 2024
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Just a thought process that led me into thinking too much about who I actually am… (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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(First time posting here, hi you cuties ^^/)

For context, I am 18 MtF but don’t have any medication yet because of the local healthcare system. To add to that, while I am in therapy, I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about this because I will need a confirmation from him that says that I can have HRT to actually get HRT. This puts me into this weird place where I very much should talk to my therapist about it but also shouldn’t because it might hinder me from getting hormones (I hate this system). Of course, I don’t want to replace my therapist with you, I just want some of your thoughts and experiences with this.

Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy. The only issue is, this line doesn’t really exist for me.

If I think someone is cute, I can never really differentiate between the feeling of “I wish I was this cute” or “I wish they would hug me / I could hug them”. What makes all of this even more complicated is that I am very much unsure about my sexuality. Since the thought of sexual interactions actually kinda disgust me, I guess I’m ace? But then again, I also kinda feel an attraction to more feminine presenting people? Yet I am also open for any other, or no gender at all? And more importantly, is this feeling of wanting to be someone I think is cute just from me hating myself? Does that mean that I’m not trans? And why are other trans people saying that there is a difference?

Does anyone of you also struggle to find this line between attraction and gender envy? If yes, what does this feel for you? And if no, what are your thoughts on this?

PS.: You shouldn’t feel the need to validate me. The last thing I want is to be stuck in some sort of echo-chamber. If what you read, makes you think I’m not trans then please please please tell me so.

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[–] [email protected] 0 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

I have a friend who's a trans ace lesbian! I asked her if she had any advice for you! She said:

Alright, my thoughts. In chronological order: Yeah, that fucking sucks, but you need to bite the bullet and talk to your therapist because there is no other way for them to know what you want. If they're a good therapist they'll hear you out and help you figure out what you want. That being said, shit is still really scary and I hope you get treated with a modicum of respect by your local healthcare system (long shot, I know, but a girl can dream for her sisters-in-arms)

Finding the line between attraction and gender envy is famously difficult. The way I figure it out on a case by case basis (as an ace lesbian) is I give myself a quick questionnaire.

1st q: Do I want to wear their outfit?

2nd q: Do I want to get to know them?

3rd q: Do I care about their opinion of me?

4th q: Do I have a positive reaction to the thought of being in a relationship with them?

No hard scoring here, it just helps me organize my thoughts, usually I'm able to figure out how I feel by the end of it. (and a little secret, you can be both attracted to someone and feel gender envy towards them)

To figure out if your trans is mind numbingly simple and horrible complicated at the same time. To find out ask yourself, "Do I want to be X gender?" and the answer is different from what you were assigned at birth and you like the label of trans, congrats you are trans. The specifics are different for everyone, and we all have different feelings about gender. What matters is what makes you feel comfortable with yourself not what meds you want, not what clothes you want to wear, not what surgeries you do or don't want to get. All of that is flavor, stuff you can figure out whenever.

Pass on that I hope things get better for them, and to not give up, because that's the only way things will for sure stay the same <3

[–] [email protected] 0 points 8 months ago

Thank you so much. She's right, i gotta talk to my therapist about it... I'm probably overly scared about this anyways because he did tell me (multiple times) that I will get that write-off from him 100%.

Knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle is an immense amount of help, thank you. I think I'll take a screenshot of this comment and take a look at it whenever that feeling comes back. <3