No Stupid Questions

I was raised in a left-leaning, progressive, atheist, LGBTQ+/minority-accepting household, but one surrounded by a white, largely conservative exurban community. I was raised to be inclusive of others, to be thoughtful, to be curious, to be polite and empathetic. I had good* parents who supported me, and taught me to treat others well.

In the middle of fifth grade, I transferred to a magnet program focusing on STEM concepts. It took me from a school that was almost entirely white, to a school which was very much multi-racial. I was really small for my age, nerdy, and the new kid. I'd always been bullied at school, but after the transfer it got a lot worse, and got pretty severely physical. A lot of the people who harassed me the worst were black. I honestly never understood the social circles enough to know what their deal was, and it certainly wasn't only a race thing, but the fact that many of my tormentors were black wasn't lost on me, to be sure.

When I was 11 or so, I used all the savings from a lifetime of cumulative birthdays, Christmas gifts, etc. to buy a laptop to play games on. Pretty quickly, gaming became all I did. It was an escape, and I enjoyed it. I played whatever F2P games I could. Diablo clones, random MMOs, shitty pay-to-win FPS games, whatever. My parents didn't supervise my activities very closely, and to be blunt, I quickly became way more savvy than them about subverting any surveillance they tried to put in place anyways.

Eventually I started looking into hacks for games. I found a really large forum (think 25k members) for sharing game hacks, and joined up. By the time I was maybe 13-14 or so, I was one of the highest-ranking moderators on the forum. I hung out in their IRC server (which definitely isn't the internet chat-rooms you're supposed to be careful about, those are different) all day, dabbled in making my own (occasionally illicit) software and hacks, and was firmly in the community. These weren't good people, but I didn't know that. When I got home from school and got online, they asked me how my day was. They cared about me, they played games with me, they were my friends. I remember I was gone for like 2 weeks when I was seriously ill, and one of them tracked me down and called my house to check in on me. I didn't think anything of it, because of course they could do that. I'd been in a Skype call with one of them who was screen sharing the array of webcams they had access to through their botnet. I didn't realize at the time that they were probably blackmailing people, or holding their data ransom. We just hacked in video games, none of that actually serious stuff. The malware I was toying with was just because I was interested in it, and of course, my friends must have been too, right? Just a learning exercise. I figured I might try to go into cybersecurity when I started high school and could actually start taking courses in computer topics. Programming was SO fucking interesting!

My parents didn't know what was going on. They should have. I was barely a teenager, I can't possibly have been hiding my tracks all that well. But then, their marriage had started to fall apart, and things were bad a home. I didn't know anything about that then, I was in my room gaming and running communities for terrible people. The headset kept their fighting far away from me. My parents didn't know who I was hanging out with. They had raised me well, but now they weren't doing what they should have been. So when my friends shared hateful content with me, "interesting" videos they'd found about how terrible women were, how violent minorities were, who was I to question it? They were speaking as those with knowledge. They taught me stuff, they knew better than me. And besides, I'd been physically harassed by black people before. I'd seen it for myself, right? My U.S. history teacher was REALLY smart, and she told us (in a MN classroom) that the civil war wasn't actually about slavery either! That was super interesting to learn! And the women they complained about weren't me. Just because a lot of the guys I hung out with had bitches for girlfriends didn't mean they hated women, it was just bad luck with shitty women. Right?

I was a good person. I mean, I was a weird socially outcast nerd, but I wasn't a bad person. My family was still caring. Still accepting. My Mom's apartment was always a refuge for any of our friends, even (and especially) the queer ones who had been kicked out by their own terrible parents. They had a place to come and be safe and be themselves with us. So I was a good person too, right? Good people, smart people, they keep their online lives separate from their personal lives. They don't talk about their online activities with others, and they don't talk about their personal information with internet strangers in chatrooms. The only people I talked with were my FRIENDS. I ran their Minecraft servers. I discussed the Jordan Peterson videos they shared. He sounds so fucking smart after all. I hardly understand what he's talking about, but I'm sure one day I will. And the parts I don't understand, other people can explain to me. I laughed at their racist memes. After all, it's just a joke. And of course, overt bigotry got stomped on. I was in charge, and I was a good person. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of thing. But a dog-whistle is just a tool for training a pet, and we'd only ever kept cats.

I eventually joined a different gaming group on the side. We played Jailbreak in CS:S. I got really good at it. Really into it. And I stopped hanging out as much with my older friends. I still kept in touch, but I'd found a new hobby. These people weren't good people either, but I mean, the fact that they liked my voice on mic wasn't that they were creeping on a 15 year old who they wanted to fuck, it was because I had gotten a new microphone a few weeks ago and must have sounded good on it. I had gotten lucky though. These people weren't great people, but they weren't nearly as bad. They weren't literally cybercriminals, just asshole kids on the internet. So when I became a moderator in THAT community and started running things, the community actually improved. But eventually that community collapsed, and I moved on again. And again. And again. I ended up with some Brits for a while, and "mate" settled itself into my vocabulary in a deeply unwelcome way.

I've been incredibly lucky. I'm 28 now. The last 14 years of my life, I've slowly climbed from one community to another, and mostly through random luck each of those have been better than the one I was leaving. I am surrounded now by some of my favorite people. They are TRULY good people. They care about others, and stand up for good causes. Some days, I even think maybe I might be a good person too. I wasn't a good person. I fell WAY down the alt-right rabbit hole. I'm sure that I've hurt people, and I've made countless decisions that sicken me now. But I've been incredibly lucky. If I hadn't been, I have no idea where I'd be now. Or what nonsense I'd still be believing, because everything around me told me it was normal.