this post was submitted on 08 Jun 2024
-9 points (44.7% liked)
Asklemmy
43864 readers
1606 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy π
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- [email protected]: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I am not American, I'm British.
The purpose of my story was to try and explain how I didn't go from being a social pariah (and thus, undateable) to a loving relationship in one step, it took years and thousands of steps.
The hard truth is that you are right that your current self isn't ready for a relationship. But, as shown by asking the question in the first place, a part of you wants that to change, and by your other answers, a different part of you doesn't want that change.
Let's take another scenario. You could do a marathon. You may run it, you may walk it, you may roll in a wheelchair, but you could do it...eventually. Today, you can't. But today you may be able to run/walk/roll 1km. And tomorrow, or the day after, maybe 1.1km. And next week, maybe 1.2.
Eventually, if you manage to keep at it, you will, one day, be able to do something that today you cannot.
But wanting to is the first step, and a bit of you does want to.
So, step one, if you truly have no friends, are there people you like at work? What are your interests? Do you have a hobby?
I'm unemployed. I despised my abusive job. Hated everyone. Videogames, hate everything else/failed.
I don't believe you hate everything.
What is the last film you saw you enjoyed? Or song, or book?
Believe that. Trust me.
I like music but I don't see the point. Bought a guitar and did nothing with it.
Liking music means you don't hate everything.
What bands, or artists do you like?
Nu metal? Only the 2000s most mainstream ones.
Hah, excellent, me too! Every now and again I'll put Follow the Leader on and try to make whatever the hell noises it is Davis does π
Whats your favourite album, or track?
Some Linkin, some Deftones, some SOAD. Nobody likes that music, especially women here.
All good choices, Deftones self-titled album is incredible.
You're getting ahead of yourself, we've only just left the house for your first 100m walk, it doesn't matter what other runners like.
Go and listen to some music you like, and let yourself enjoy it. Don't worry about anything else right now.
I've been listening the music I enjoy for over 2 decades by now, nothing changed. I'm fucked.
You're not fucked, that's just the bit that wants you to be sad talking, instead of the bit that wants to be happy.
You may have been listening to it for 20 years, but do you let yourself feel any positive emotion during it?
I mostly feel anger, a bit of sexual desire and desire to tell everyone to go fuck themselves.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, you can use music to process emotions you may avoid at other times.
What gives you a positive emotion? What makes you slightly smile?
Seeing people fail. Seeing the bad guy win in a movie.
I wouldn't class revenge fantasy as positive, if I'm honest.
Parts of your brain will fight you on this, but try and think of something "nice" that makes you feel a tiny bit better, or happier, or relaxed.
For me, it's stroking my cats and/or going for a walk, but it could be pretty much anything really - as long as it isn't "I just want to watch the world burn" type stuff.
This isn't easy, it won't happen over night, but if you keep trying to identify something like this, and then purposefully choose to do it on a regular basis, you'll have done the first 100metres.
Try to remember that part of your brain wants you to be sad and angry and depressed. You've listened to that bit a lot. But the bit that wants to be happier, that believes things can be better, is what is keeping you replying to this thread. Practise listening to that bit more.
I wish you the very best of luck. You can do this. You are worth it.
No I don't believe that. Not because I'm a contrarian but because I know what women want and that's not me and don't wanna fake myself into being another person.
I agree, you are not a contrarian, but the bit of your mind that wants you to be sad all the time is. Why? Because it keeps you sad by stopping you from thinking about the contrary, as in being a tiny bit happier.
Just because you can't complete a marathon today, does not mean that you are not capable, eventually and with training, to do so. But you have to start with the first 100m, and that bit of your mind is stopping you from even trying to do 100m, with the justification that because you can't do 42km there's no point to do 100m.
Or to put it another way, if you want to listen to Chop Suey, you listen to Chop Suey, right? You don't justify not listening to it because you don't have time to listen to SOAD's entire discography.
Walking 100m, listening to that single song, or identifying something that makes you feel ever so slightly happier (not revenge!) is all the same thing. It's all just taking a step. Nothing more.
You are not being fake by letting yourself enjoy something you enjoy. Again, that is the little bit of your brain wanting you to be sad convincing the rest of your brain to stop you doing that thing, because if you do that thing, and you're a tiny bit happier, it gets less powerful.
Mate, think of it this way, how can you possibly know what another person wants, and what makes them happy, man or woman, when you are struggling to accept that you are simply allowed to feel even the smallest amount of happiness?
If you can't understand that for yourself, and you spend all day every day inside your head, how can you possibly be certain that you're correct for 7 billion others?
If you were right for 7 billion, then 1 more should be pretty trivial, surely?
Or, maybe it's because that it's just a lie the sad bit of your brain is screaming at the rest of your brain, just to keep you sad.
Negative thoughts are a part of you just as much as they are a part of me, but they are not all of you, and you are not only them.
And the same applies for positive thoughts, we contain a mix of both, not only one or the other.
Nobody, not even the most social dude has access to 7 billion people. I have access to just a few dozens at best, I'm a poor immigrant and do you think Italian girls like brown poor people? Unless you're a fucking football player or a very stereotype latino party animal they don't. Just give up mate, the moment you described how you got laid as basically a kid gives me less hope. Your life is a fantasy to me. I will not get better and fucking listening music won't change jackshit on my life.
I'm a bunch of weird and undesirable traits put together plus I'm not a model look wise and I'm poor. NOTHING about it will change, ergo meaning nobody will come. I'm 35 ffs
I'm 34, the point I'm making is age doesn't matter for what we are talking about. You are in a very similar mental and social state to what I was then. I've also relapsed multiple times since then. This shit is hard. But you are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you can't see it because the tunnel is insanely fucking bendy just to fuck with you.
I am sure there are Italian women that match what you describe, just as there are British women like that too. But I am certain there are others who aren't like that, and value different things.
Now, do they want someone who is only looking for the negative? No, they don't. But that is the exact same as the other part of your brain that is not wanting that either. You are not defined by your sadness. While it is a part of you, and always will be, it is not all of you.
I also appreciate that given how fucked the political situation is in Italy right now, and with a fascist in charge, being an immigrant must be incredibly difficult. But you are not defined by what racists say. Fuck those cunts. The best way to get revenge, on them, is to live the life that proves them wrong.
Again, your continued replies give me reason to believe you can get better. You just need to take the hardest imaginable step, which is to open the door and start the first 100m.
But you're right, listening to a song you like isn't going to change your life. But it will help you remember what feeling a tiny bit happier feels like. It may even give you a way to deliberately make yourself feel a bit happier when you're having a bad day. When I'm really down I usually watch films I loved as a kid - like The Mask - and, for those 90 or some mins, I feel a bit better. Not a lot, but just enough to stop me falling further. And then I have to rebuild.
There are many steps left in the tunnel, but going forward will get you to the end. You can't see it, I know it feels like it doesn't exist and you're completely alone in the dark, but it is there, and you're not alone. You can do this.
The only reason I'm replying is because I'm sick of people bs me. There's no tunnel. Is just my entire life. There's nothing to rebuild, your dumb comparisons make no sense. I'm starting to feel that you're doing this just to feel better about yourself "hey at least I didn't finished like this loser and got to bang a chick".
GIVE UP.
We're not bullshitting you, we are trying to show you the way out.
And yeah, you got me, doing this does make me feel better. I feel better when I can use my experiences to help people. It helps me to remind myself to be kind to myself. Everything I am saying to you applies to me as well.
I won't give up on myself, so why would I give up on you? You are just as valuable and important as I am.
Ignore the bit in your mind telling you to push us away, again, it's scared that you're realising that you are not it, and that it's losing some control. It has got very used to being in control, but it is a part of you, you are not a part of it.
STFU.
There's no bit pushing me to do this. I'm the one telling you that you're wrong and you're annoying as fuck. Stop trying to be a fucking psychoanalyst, yeah you got to taste some saggy tits, that doesn't give you the right to tell wtf I need to do with fucking life clown.
I didn't asked for dating advice, you got some girl that pity fucked you? Good for you ππΌππΌππΌ... I'm not you and I'll never be, and probably for the better, fuck me if I wanna become anything like you.
Friend, you were the one who asked the question what it's like. I've told you, and also explained how you can get from where you are to being in a relationship.
I can't force you to seek help, but if in the future you ever feel like you'd like to chat, feel free to message me.
You don't have to push everyone away, not everyone is out to hurt you. I hope you realise this before it's too late.
No, you didn't just answered me, otherwise we're wouldn't be on this stupid rebuttal... If you just answered the question I wouldn't had the need to respond you.
Now you're just lying to yourself, this is from my original comment.
You literally told me what to do even when I didn't asked for it. There you're just picking a extract of your answer. If it was only that then it would've been ok, clown.
If it was only that, it wouldn't be representative of reality. For me to be able to have a good relationship required a lot of change. Namely I had to accept some responsibility for my situation and stop pretending it was only other people's fault.
A relationship is a partnership, it requires everyone involved to bring good things to it. If they don't, it will fail.
You don't have to be beautiful, or rich, or famous to be in a relationship, but if you aren't nice to speak to, or be around, trustworthy, caring, considerate, etc, why would anyone want to spend their life with you?
You refuse to except your attitude and actions have contributed in any way to your situation. As a result, you will never be in a relationship.
It's your decision. Your circumstances won't change over night, it will take a long time and a lot of work, but if you really want to, you're absolutely capable of it. You are not fundamentally broken and irreparable.
You realize way worse people in this fucking planet managed to marry and have kids right? I'm a fucking saint in comparison. I'm not got to change shit in my life, I don't wanna become someone else. That's the way I am, I'm nobody's friend, nobody enemy. I'm loyal and don't betray anyone, if that isn't enough for the world, then fuck'em. It is their fault not mine. I'm not a fucking criminal for being myself.
So your bar is what, not being an absolute cunt?
You're aware that people are not typically in consentual relationships with bad people, right?
Being shit scared of your partner is not a good thing.
Scared? You speak like I'm about to hit a woman. I don't want to become someone else, I will never change. Blame the world for that. Nothing is going to change because the world still the fucking same. I'm not going to move a single finger just to be more "appetizable". Fuck them
No, I don't think you're going to hit someone, but you did say worse people than you are in relationships, and I was reminding you that bad people do hit women, and scare them in to never leaving. Neither of us think that is the type of relationship you want.
As I've said before, one day you'll realise that your attitude contributes to - but didn't create - your situation. Insisting you are utterly powerless keeps you in that hole.
I am not saying you need to change. What I am saying is that the negative part of your personality is drowning out all other parts. Those parts are still there, they are still as much a part of you as they always were, but you just can't hear them.
You are not helpless, you are not broken.
When was the last time you can remember being happy? Think back, it may have been a very long time ago, what was it you were doing?
You don't fucking know me. If I'm telling you that is the reality, is because it fucking is. I haven't been happy since I stopped being a child. Big fucking deal, I'm still here. And I won't kill myself. The world can suck my dick if they don't want me.
What happened when you stopped being a child?
Dude give up and fuck off.
Nothing will change and I don't want your "help" you're not helping anyone.
Fair enough. Enjoy your life.
I won't.