this post was submitted on 10 May 2024
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So, I have a small guilty pleasure now: I downloaded tiktok and am loving all the videos with pets tbh.
TW: DV
But I watch one video by an Aussie lady about women's rights and whatnot, and now tiktok thinks that's all I want to watch. π Like, 4b movement stuff, the rate of homicides, etc. It's interesting but like, also triggering of course. I'm in the process of re-teaching the algorithm or whatever.But I also feel like I don't have a right to talk about my experience, not because of what they've said or anything like that. But because my abusive ex was male and male presenting for the VAST majority of our relationship, until the last 6 months where they only came out to me about being a tran-woman. So, like, they're part of this super marginalised group, having told their friends I was transphobic. I don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone (besidesy dad and my partner), without, like, playing into that lie they told. I believe they are, of course, trans, but also that they use it as an excuse to not take accountability for their heinous actions. That if I did file a police report, that I'd be called transphobic and a false reporter. What a strange position to be in. Just needed to have a small ranty rant about it, because I haven't seen anyone else anywhere have, or talk about, an experience like mine without also being transphobic. I always feel like if I talk about it, if I don't use the right pronouns, or if I clarify "well they were male, but are now female" it's about women-on-women DV. Which, it wasn't, but is it?
Ugh, just gonna keep saving up for a psych appointment and hopefully I can start feeling better about being in this tiny bubble of one.
DV absolutely occurs in queer/same sex relationships, and women absolutely do abuse partners. Dickheads come in every stripe and nobody is automatically exempt from being abusive due to their identity.
Police are pretty shit with DV/SA reports in general and there's no guarantee that a report would go anywhere. But if you felt you wanted to report there are LGBTIA+ liason officers now and if there were sexual offences you can talk to SOCIT.
It's really hard when your abuser is marginalised but it absolutely does happen, marginalized people can and do punch down on other people, and you have every right to talk about what was done to you. You're not going after her because she's trans. You were harmed by what she did, and struggling to even talk about it for fear of feeding into existing transphobic narratives.
This is the problem with identity politics and only seeing a person through the lense of whatever group they are in.
Being a minority doesn't let you off the hook and in most cases certainly doesn't make you special.
I'm more interested in what someone does rather than what they say they are.
A dickhead is a dickhead, no matter what gender they are/were/present as. Bad behaviour/manners should be called out. There's far too much victim blaming happening. Not a situation I've ever faced, so please take that for what its worth, if anything.
Yup
Them being trans doesnβt mean that what they did to hurt you wasnβt also abusive. Women - including trans women - are entirely capable of abuse.
I believe you. You deserved better.