this post was submitted on 19 Apr 2024
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Asexual ≠ Not Liking Sex
Asexual = Not Feeling Sexual Attraction
The way I usually describe it as an asexual guy is that there's basically noone I find hot. That doesn't mean they're the opposite. It just like a sense I lack or a color I can't see. I just don't feel sexual attraction. But I do still like people based on other types of attraction and sex is still fun. For me platonic attraction is the main criteria for sexual partners. It's just a fun activity between close friends like watching a movie or playing a board game.
That's not to say that there aren't asexual people who don't like sex because those people do exist, but how much a person likes sex is on the sex repulsion to sex favorable axis and is only tangentally related to asexuality.
What's the difference between that and being demisexual? I identify as demi, but now I'm wondering if I misunderstood something, because I relate to what you said.
I actually just saw this (app being screwy). To answer your question I also identify as demi. It's just that demi is a microlabel under the ace umbrella and allos usually don't know what demisexuality is so unless I'm in a specifically ace community I just identify as ace to keep things simple. Demi is also basically just "ace until proven otherwise" so the difference in nonexistent for anyone I'm not already in a relationship with.
There's also the fact that I'm still not sure if I really feel sexual attraction in the demi way or if I just crave intimacy with someone I am otherwise attracted to and sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone. I'm strongly leaning towards the latter but it's a tricky distinction to make. I can want to have sex with someone but for me that desire doesn't feel much different from wanting to cuddle with them nonsexually. So when it comes to my actual behavior I fit the demi label better but when it comes to how I think then I actually fit the asexual label better.
That's a great explanation, thank you!
Demisexuality is under the asexuality umbrella, so it should seem relatable.
If you do experience sexual attraction towards those you are close to then that would be demi. If you want to have sex despite lack of sexual attraction, then that would be black-stripe ace.
The food analogy is the comparison I've seen people use to explain what sexual attraction is. Hunger is like libido and has little to nothing to do with sexual attraction. Sexual attraction would be like when someone brings out a fresh cake and you need to have a piece even if you just ate and are not hungry. I guess demi in this analogy would mean you wouldn't feel that way unless you already knew that specific dessert well. But if you just eat tasty desserts when you are bored, because you like the taste but don't have the mouthwatering reaction to it being presented, because the person who made it is important to you and you feel eating it's a way to bond with them, etc, you could still be a black-stripe ace.
That said, what counts as sexual attraction has confused me a lot despite spending a fair bit of time reading people trying to explain it.
Anyways, if demi is a functionally useful label, there no need to change. In-practice real-world usefulness of language is more important than weirdos on the Internet trying to be precise in the meanings of words.
Most people define demisexual as not feeling sexual attraction until you get to know someone better, after which that bond/intimacy allows you to start feeling sexual attraction.
But the ace community has a LOT of labels and everything I've seen is that we're pretty relaxed on them. Call yourself whatever makes sense to you; you're probably going to have to explain it anyway! lol
This is really helpful thank you
Could you elaborate further on platonic attraction? The internet says a platonic relationship is a relationship without romance or sex. This seems to contradict with it being a criteria for sexual partners for you but maybe I'm confusing things
I guess platonic isn't the right word but it's the closest I could think of at the time. I guess maybe emotional attraction? A person I care deeply about who I enjoy being around and feels the same towards me. Basically a relationship for me is just a best friend who I also happen to have sex with and thats what I look for personally.
But the main thing is the lack of sexual attraction. Other sex favorable ace people may deal with things differently. I personally know one asexual aromantic woman who doesn't care who she screws because like I said before, a lack of attraction doesn't make people unattractive, it's just null. So for her basically everyone is the same so she'll just take whoever to meet her needs whenever she's horny and just be done with it. From what I've seen in the ace community that definitely isn't common but it is a good example of just how different the the stance on sex between different asexual people can be.
Platonic seems fine with me. If you just see sex as another activity to do, like playing board games or TTRPGs, then it makes sense. As hikaru pointed out, the relationship itself wouldn't be platonic, but the attraction can be.
Granted, I say this as someone who does not engage in sex (and honestly not sure how ace I may or may not be).
Isn't that just romantic attraction?
I guess it is. I personally have a very hard time drawing a line between liking someone as a really good friend and liking someone romantically. For me the only difference between a best friend and a romantic partner is if romantic activities (kissing, sleeping together, screwing, etc.) are taking place and even then some of those lines get blurry with some of my friends.
Yeah I'm with you on tha
sounds fun, where can I find friends like that?
I have no idea lol. They kind of found me and basically adopted me. Your local game store is probably your best place to look though.
praying to our overlords it is
If you label a relationship as platonic, that usually serves to make it explicit that there's no romance or sex going on, yes.
When talking about attraction though, we're in the context of the split attraction model (look that up if you're interested), and there, platonic attraction is treated not as the opposite of sexual attraction, but as its own axis for basically saying "how much do I want this person to be my friend", without saying anything about how much you're sexually attracted to the person.
If you want to properly reconcile the terms, think about it like this - a sexual/romantic relationship is one where the sexual/romantic attraction between the partners is the strongest force, whereas a platonic relationship is one where their platonic attraction is the strongest force.
I personally actually have a hard time seeing platonic and romantic attraction as separate axes, for me, romantic attraction just feels like an extension, a stronger form of platonic attraction.
I guess that explains it, thank you.
Oh yes I'm completely with you on that one, i think... but then I also feel like for me personally sexual attraction is an extension of romantic attraction. It's all about how you interpret your feelings I guess...
That's a lot of it. Like sex is also just a good way to acheive intimacy with someone you care about.
The big thing for asexual people is how you view people you aren't already attracted to in other ways. Most people can find people they barely know sexually attractive. For example celebrity crushes or finding a certain porn model hot. For an asexual person that is a foreign concept. I've never seen someone and desired to have sex with them because of how they look. It's not that we don't know when people are good looking but we don't really feel anything towards them just because they are. That's also not to say asexual people never watch porn it's just that when we do it's about the act taking place not the people in it.
Yeah that makes sense. I'm not sure about sex but I definitely can desire intimacy only based on looks or general vibe so then I guess I actually do feel some kind of romantic attraction separately from platonic attraction.