I recently had an injection that seemed to go wrong (CW: blood, I inject EV subq and I hit something like a capillary, there was a lot of blood and it bruised badly afterwards). Within a couple days I felt unusually dysphoric as a result of what I assume was a failure for the oil to depot and slowly release over time.
I get these "dysphoric thoughts" that maybe the estrogen is causing the problems, that I don't have objective proof that I'm trans, etc. Lots of doubt, paranoia, and increasing amounts of anxiety and irrational fear (about transition, but also in general, e.g. thinking spiders are in my bed), and I start to experience depression and anhedonia (things aren't as pleasurable, everything feels pretty flat emotionally, I just feel "bad").
Of course when I inject again and it goes well, I feel much better and I forget about these problems.
I was just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with dysphoria when there are gaps in the HRT. Obviously in the long term, surgery will fix the hormone issue and I suspect that will fix this problem. Until then, though, I am stuck in a rather fragile place where I feel normal (even good, even amazing) when my estrogen levels are high and suppressing my testosterone. Any small slip in that and I barely function as a person.
Before HRT I would just do whatever I could to increase mental well-being:
- physical exertion (aerobic exercise, weightlifting, etc.)
- going outside and getting sunshine
- keeping up with hydration
- keeping good sleep hygiene (sleeping enough, going to sleep at the same times, etc.)
- meditation every day
But now it feels harder for me to "bootstrap" when there are gaps in HRT and my hormones aren't right, it's like I'm no longer used to how hard it was before.
Anyway - any tips or thoughts, would like to hear other's experiences.
Thanks, good to know re Otokonoko, I think I had heard of that before. I see in the /r/TransDIY that they link to https://hrtcafe.net/, I had looked into DIY originally but was spooked about potential risks. If you don't mind me asking, what dose do you take of EEn and how frequently (and how do you inject, and where)? Looking at the injection simulator, and here's a screenshot of what I'm looking at, 15 mg EEn every 14 days gives a similar-ish pattern to my dose of 5 mg EV every 4 days. That dose of EEn seems to peak a bit higher and the trough is a bit lower than EV every 4 days, but a dose of 7 mg EEn every 7 days seems more stable overall.
I can't tell exactly, but I suspect because I'm only 3 months into HRT that the spikiness of EV is actually helping suppress the T more effectively than if I had a more stable and lower dose (for example, I noticed injecting between 3 and 4 mg EV every 3 days was not working well to stabilize my mood and effectively suppress T; it suppressed it to some extent, but not enough it seemed; only with 5 mg did it seem like I was having real relief, and at that point the question was how long that relief lasted before I needed another 5 mg injection).
I do think injecting into my belly has become easier, so I'm not too worried about it now (I've injected into my belly maybe the last three injections now); maybe it was just not the best place for me to start off injecting into (since I have such bad needle phobia).
Thanks for everything! <3