deranged_physicist

Hello everyone! My name is Emma. I’ve been thinking I was gender non conforming for about five years now, but didn’t have the courage to act on my desire until I entered into my current relationship two years ago or so. My partner is queer and very supportive of me. I started to realize how unhappy my perception of my body and gender was; how unhappy I was with others perception of my gender. As a result, I started medical transition about nine months ago. I have desire to change my voice, to have breasts, to reduce the amount of body hair I have. And yet, I don’t really carry myself differently or act much differently than before. I’ve always crossed my legs when I sit and tried to make myself seem smaller than I am because I’ve always hated my height (I’m very very tall).

One thing that definitely has changed is that I’ve gotten more and more dysphoric over the short time I’ve been on hormones. I’ve talked about this with my partner and thought through it myself and believe, to a degree, that this is due to me unpacking pain that I had repressed over time. That the discomfort with my body was always there and I had just always crushed it down to allow myself to function despite it. This came at a cost of worsening depression, anxiety, and insecurity. For example, I never enjoyed shopping for clothes, looking masculine, wearing anything that showed off my body. As a result I never felt comfortable in my clothes or body and hated my appearance. Now though, I love shopping for clothes! At least online anyway, in person stores never have clothes for women my height :p (love you long tall sally!)

But… there’s a devil on my shoulder which says that I’m becoming more dysphoric because I’m not really trans. Because I’m really a man and I’m just lying to myself. I’m just doing this because I never felt I had a space to belong. I’m just appropriating the culture of people I respect and admire. I’m just trying to fit into women’s spaces, take advantage of the kindness of queer people to gain a sense of community where I never had one before. Writing that out, the internalized transphobia is pretty clear, huh?

I think part of my ever increasing feeling of dysphoria is not dressing how I want to and presenting how I want to out of fear of harassment or abuse from others in public. I ride public transit everywhere and see people get harassed daily and don’t want that to be me. So, I dress more masculine out of fear. Because of that masculine presentation, I get scared to use the women’s restrooms at work and find myself hiding in the stalls until all the other people leave before I go wash my hands. Which is dumb, because people at my job are super supportive and kind. Thinking of myself as a woman always feels wrong because I’m not feminine enough, my voice is too low, I’m too tall, I wear more masculine clothes, etc.

So lately I’ve been wracked with insecurity wondering if this was all the right decision for me. I have the same interests and the same depression. Obviously estrogen didn’t cure my mental illness. Transitioning has made some aspects of it worse and some aspects of it more bearable. And the worry that’s always there is whether I’m doing all this for the right reasons. Whether my dysphoria will ever start decreasing in severity rather than increasing. At the same time, the thought of detransitioning is agonizing.

It feels silly looking back now on how I thought transition would cure my mental illness. How I thought going on estrogen would cure my dysphoria. How I thought leaving my home state of Texas and moving to a more progressive state would free my mind and body from transphobia external and internal. There is no magic cure for mental illness or dysphoria. There is no promised land free of transphobia.

Ultimately, I’m doing okay. Im still happier and more comfortable than I was when I thought I was a man. I’m making this post wondering if any of you have/had a similar experience, similar anxieties, or similar doubts to me. How do you cope with your anxiety about transition or insecurity in your identity? How do you deal with stagnant or worsening dysphoria?

So, backstory: I started at a new position yesterday (finally able to leave Texas and move somewhere less hostile to my existence). I don’t disclose my gender during the hiring process because I don’t want to face discriminatory hiring practices, so no one knew I was transfem until my first day. My manager met with me before orientation and had a chat with me. When I mentioned I wasn’t sure what my preferred name should be, she sorta tilted her head, closed the door to her office, and we had a really affirming chat about my gender and name and everything. She helped me settle on a new name (something I’ve been indecisive about for a really long time) and reassured me that if I wanted to change it later I could. She showed me how to change my name, gender, and pronouns in the system myself. Then she went to my new team before I saw them and told them all what my name and preferred pronouns are so that I didn’t need to have that conversation 6+ times on my first day. Most importantly, she asked me what I wanted to do on all of these things and did exactly what I was most comfortable with.

Such an amazing, inclusive, and welcoming experience. Never had any experience like it honestly! She handled it really well. I sent her a thank you email this morning letting her know how much it meant to me and how well she handled the topic of my gender, presentation, and preferred name. After a lifetime of discrimination and oppression and hatred, I feel like I’m starting to really become myself. Seeing my name on all the emails in my inbox and having my coworkers address me by that name gave me the strongest hit of euphoria I’ve had since the first time I went shopping for women’s clothing.

My new name is Emma by the way :>

I’m so excited to be leaving Texas finally!! I’ve lived here my whole life and just got a really exciting job in the Northeastern US. My partner (who is also trans) and I are so pumped to be out of here. Manifesting everyone else who’s living in a dangerous area can get the opportunity to leave like I have. Here’s hoping the background check clears (I don’t see why it wouldn’t, I don’t have anything notable in my history beyond being chronically gay :p)