cosmonautjem

Tw: self-harm, mental illness, addiction, trauma, abuse, discrimination

I have cptsd, panic disorder, depression, anxiety, ADD, and autism. They said I have high functioning autism but I make 20k a year and cannot function well enough to do basic things or have thoughts in my head so I don't know about the high functioning part.

Loner here. I'm in my early 30s and puttering through life without accumulating skills. I work a dead end medical documenting job from home that doesnt interest me at all. I dont have any interest in any field. I never go to develop that part of myself and it's too late now because of the hand to mouth nature of my existence which seems to be getting only worse for the foreseeable future. I have the generous support of a couple of family members who are themselves very isolated and struggling. Without them I'd be on the street. Everyday I see myself as a burden and cannot escape the thought that when they are gone one day I will have to off myself somehow, if not sooner. But since I can't seem to do anything right, I'm scared I will botch the attempt and survive.

I'm still struggling with cptsd just as much as ever. Despite having quit alcohol years ago and a couple of other addictive behaviors since. Despite leaving my abuser nearly a decade ago. Despite moving from the US to Canada. This place is not all it's cracked up to be if you're a struggling poor. There's basically no social safety net, the people are a bunch of liberal zionists, it's frozen over for half the year, and there's no way to make any money. I don't go out or talk to anyone but I know fully well that we do not live in anything resembling a functional society. That's the only conclusion I can reach when I cannot trust the healthcare system, cannot rely on public transport, cannot trust a single word anybody says, cannot expect to ever have my own place to live, cannot find a real job, etc.

I am also not a part of any online "communities" either because I cannot read posts that are too long or care about other people's stories. I'm not much on social media. Most of my internet use is just listening to YouTube but that stuff goes in one ear out the other because of my mental problems. It just seems pointless to try because my brain is like a sieve. I graduated from university while I was stuck in a mental hospital that I was dragged into by a couple of campus cops. I didn't make any friends in college or school or since. Can't even remember much of what I studied. It was some kind of history degree. I was drinking heavily at home with my abusive dad and we were codependent. Eventually I was rescued from him and he drank himself to death. All I got from the degree was debt and a piece of paper.

So anyway i have been recently assigned a couple of goals for the next year. They are...

1. increasing my muscular strength with the use of a lifting regimen and consuming adequate protein. I spent years in the gym without making Amy noticeable improvements, due in part to not going hard enough but also because I just wasn't getting enough protein at all. Like maybe 60-80 g daily at most. I was loaded on carbs and chronically dehydrated.
2. reading a series of self help and spiritual development books. I'm currently on Joe Dispenza's Becoming Supernatural and it's given me the first ideas I've had in a long time.

Here is what I want to change.... My day to day is just a repetitive set of autopilot behaviors. My brain is not useful for any purpose that I've seen other people use their brains for. I can't seem to be present in the moment. I'm always forgetting simple things and need to be hand held through tasks. I have to be given exact instructions that are pain staking to go through for the other person and even then I will probably ask a dozen questions and then screw the task up anyway. I wish to die from morning to night. I always want to sleep but i never feel rested afterwards. Some nights I don't bother brushing my teeth. I have no aspirations or interests. I have been like this for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten worse since 2016, then even worse since 2020. I can only think in negative terms. What do I not want to do? What is it I'm not able to accomplish? It seems like others can go through life accumulating things they can do, but I'm going through life with an ever expanding list of things I cannot do. Apparently my situation is pretty common, but again I have no interest in others because I cannot seem to get my own head straight. My nervous system seems to be stuck in the sympathetic state permanently. I've burned every bridge for venting I can burn. Counselors, forums, relatives, the few friends I made when I was living in the US. It's like I'm this black hole of trauma-induced mental health symptoms. Meds can't seem to do anything. Therapists are beyond what I can afford and whatever advice they have seems to be for upper-middle class tech workers with well-connected parents and vacation homes in the Caribbean.

So as I've said I started reading Joe Dispenza lately. I got to the part where he discusses how imbalances of our lower 3 chakras can cause our body to drain from the EM field surrounding us and prevent the flow of electrical charge up to the higher energy centers. I'm not here to debate if it's "real" or not. I try to keep an open mind, and it's not like psych meds have done anything for me anyway. I did the breathing exercise where you release your mind from your body and felt like it really jacked up my heart rate and for once I could actually notice a brief difference in my subjective experience. I'd really like to continue doing this on daily basis. I hope something actually works for my cptsd recovery.

Anyway i guess this has been a long-winded way of saying I'm struggling to improve as a traumatized shut-in. If you have found non-pharma approaches to healing from complex trauma, let's discuss them. My messages are open. Thanks folks.