DmMacniel

So last week I came out to my Parents and my Grandma.

I already knew beforehand that this will not end well, as my parents are (super)conservative and self-absorbed. But I had to do it anyway, right?

I met with my grandma (mid-eighties) first alone, she was a bit shocked but was quite understanding of the situation, and she tried real hard to use my proper pronouns. I really love her trying and being open.

Then my parents arrived and I laid it all down to them. They were shocked of course. Interestingly, I was not the first who happened to be trans in my family, my mother said in a tone like that being trans is some freak accident that happen and can't be helped. They told me her deadname and her new name, but from then on out they constantly deadnamed her whenever they referred to her. Great start...

She also once said, probably with good intention, that I would always be her deadname. Which stung even more, especially since she said that after I tried to correct her on my pronouns and my name. Like she totally disregarded what i was saying all along.

To my father, he is a quite right-leaning and buys into the idea that the rainbow flag and trans movement is communistic. As in, we as a minority, want to dictate the majority how to speak, act and think. (Imaging that novel idea, that inclusivity and respect is communistic)

In the end I could bear it any longer and found a somewhat graceful exit to leave this toxic coming out.

But ever since then, and the text messages I received from my mother don't help at all, thoughts are gnawing on my self. Text messages like: that she doesn't think that I am trans and that the journey I am on is the right one. Because she read up on literature (she didn't mention what literature), she hadn't seen any signs during my youth, and she insists that she always knows best.

So yeah, thoughts like am I really trans? is this just really only just a phase? Do I only really want attention? Am I just faking it?

But why, on the other hand, do I feel the shot of euphoria whenever a colleague calls me by my name and uses my given pronouns?

Why not just end this charade once and for all? Who would care in the end?

Dysphoria, fueled by conservatives who don't accept you, is really tormenting at times.

So some other girls in this community mentioned that they had their first appointments regarding transgender questions and such, and so did I.

To preface this, I'm from Germany, so don't take any advice from this post please as every journey is different and is dependent on where you life, what healthcare options you have and such.

So, I went to an independent, donation based, center which deals about everything LGBTQ+. First it was pretty easy, going up to the door looking for the ringer, and then I suddenly stop in my motion. I hesitated and asked myself: "Am I really ready for this, to question everything?" My finger pressed the ringer and the Door swung open.

A super cheery woman was waiting for me and showed me the room where we would get to know each other and had to leave me alone for a bit as she had to deal with something else first (it was also 10 minutes before the actual appointment, I like being too early than being too late).

Then we talked. About all of my immediate concerns regarding transitioning, not only socially and medically, but political and work related as well.

I didn't know that public healthcare in Germany can cover so many things (when you have a diagnosed ICD-10 F64.0 that is). From HRT, to surgery to hair removal, vocal-chord surgery...

Pretty amazing. Buuuuut, getting that diagnose is a pain in the butt, even though I'm in the third-biggest city. There are just too few specialized therapists and the queue times can be years long. But that's not where it ends, I have to go through at least 5 sessions, 50 minutes each. And then I can get the diagnosis to get my medical journey started. Firstly, I want to go on HRT, getting those hormones and the body changes; they sound super promising. I'm not certain yet about the steps after that. But changing my legal name will, currently as a new law is in the making, take legal council, examination and some months to think it over, and then an appointment at court. WTF? The new law can't come soon enough.

So yeah. It has been good talking to a sister regarding those questions and my concerns, as the political climate isn't looking spiffy right now, and it only gets worse.

In any case, if you have questions or need help regarding trans* please seek out your local community as they can be really helpful and supportive!

So I became fairly recent aware and confident enough to accept my inner self being a woman instead of a man, like my body. All of my friends are super affirming and supportive, and I totally love them for having them!

But thats the good side of it all. There is the bad side as well.

Just randomly, during a quite boring company online meeting, I scrolled through some toots, listend to some music and to their presentation, I got such a severe anxiety attack. I don't know why, or what I could do. I was just bawling my eyes out. All those negative emotions of just being different, that there are groups in our society that dont accept us or even worse attack us hit me all at once.

It was utterly horrible. I sat there in my chair for atleast 10 minutes, unable to do anything but cry and destroy my mind.

Then I got a smidge of courage and joined my friends (who also happen to be colleagues from the same team) discords voice chat. Just expressing that I'm fricking awful and telling them about it. How I feel and all, but unable to determine a trigger. Sure they couldn't really "help" me, giving me advice or whatever. But that they were just listening, and understanding was already enough to get me out of that awful hole.

I am so lucky that I have them, just one click away.

Sorry for the ramblings, but I just had to somewhat write all of that shit down.