ADHD

One of the largest problems for a neurodivergent people is neurotypicals misunderstanding how they communicate and assuming that they are being an asshole simply based on how neurotypical people communicate or miscommunicate with each other.

Not understanding or playing into the neurotypical communication method of constantly lying by way of direction and expecting others to read between the lines often comes off as being an asshole or worse if they assume that you have unmentioned motives.

I try not to be an asshole.

The problem is I am direct and do not sugar coat things. I treat others how I would like to be treated which can be seen as rude. I make an effort to not be that way but it ends up the same.

Jokes on you I don't have to be friends with anyone

The thing about the neuros is most of the time they don't know they're being assholes. The actual assholes do, and don't care. If you explain to a neuro they are being asshole they will almost always try to change

A business is not obligated to tear out every stairway to make a ramp because some of its users require a wheel chair. In the same vein, not every social interaction where a person who is neurodivergent (diagnosed or not) hurts the feelings of another person is necessarily them being an asshole. Another commenter said something about how intent matters. They're right. It does.

However it matters for both parties. It's situational and it's important to remember that a lot of social interactions involve misunderstandings because there is a lack of communication from both sides and a set of different expectations on both sides.

I don't necessarily think it's fair to view every social interaction through the light of who is the injured party. We don't do that to people with physical conditions. You wouldn't accuse a person in a wheel chair of being an asshole for having an expectation of accessibility. But that's because society as a whole has come to an understanding (by force) that accessibility for these physical conditions is important.

I don't think society has come to that realization about ND people, nor do I think that the average person looks at ND behaviors and adapts to them in a meaningful way.

So when people have an expectation based on Neurotypical behavior and a ND person doesn't meet that expectation, do they recalibrate at all to temper the expectations?

One of the commenters here gave an example about working with a ND person and the response the rest of their co-workers had to another person calling them out for it in a fit of anger. The thing is, it should not have gotten to that point. And it's not just because others should have been setting good boundaries in a healthy way about that behavior. It's also because they should have been tempering their expectations and not overcompensating for that ND person in an unhealthy way.

Part of the problems we're seeing between NT's and ND's have a lot to do with communication and an inability to compromise or at the very least try to find resolution in healthy ways.

To an extent ya. You need to take responsibility for yourself. But also if I interrupt someone constantly that's not bc I want to

Preach

This looks like a MasterCard. I can't unsee it.

If I had a nickel for every time someone says "this person's being a huge jerk to me but I think they might be neurodivergent"

Then I would have zero cents

"I don't care what's wrong with you. If you're an asshole, you're an asshole"

This has stuck with me for about 15 years now. A neurodivergent stage crew member who was consistently an asshole was being an asshole again, so this other kid just yelled at him and told him off. Everyone in the room gave him the shocked Pikachu face because he yelled at the ND kid. Someone said "dude, you cant yell at him" and then he laid down this quote.

I have, like, three stacks of neurodivergence, but I also have some sense of altruism and am aware of my limitations. So, in order to avoid imposing myself too much on people and ending up as an involuntary jerk, I just avoid interacting with others as much as possible, just in case.

Yeah I've got plenty of issues but I manage to not be a dick, kinda feels like those are separate categories as far as the whole mental space goes.

I was in a coffee shop a few years ago and a guy in line was wearing an O.G.R.E. shirt, a way old computer game from 1986.

I said "Nice shirt! Never played that game, though."

Completely delighted, he ranted about his love for the game until my order was ready. And it was a bit hard to get away from him afterward.

This is definitely someone who could've fallen into that category.

But I don't see it that way because I'm also neurodivergent and know people never engage with us like that. Might have made his day.

Just a little story from that borderline in the Venn diagram.

had this happen in politics subs. “wow i can’t believe you hold the beliefs you do, what kind of neurodivergent are you?” has deadass happened

i would rather you call me a slur :(

Yes, but it's IMHO not as clear cut. Some of the things we do because of our executive function disorder can be interpreted as us being assholes by those we interact with. One can act like an asshole at times and not intrinsically be one. Some things are perceived as assholeish by some people but not others.

I agree but would qualify my agreement with a note:

Some of our neurodivergent traits come across as assholeish or rude behavior and while most of us try and temper and mask it does slip out especially in high stress situations.

Intention matters.

I think it's my responsibility to explain to coworkers and make super sure they understand how I am especially after a high stress event (for me that'd likely be a server outage in production).