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Sorry I haven't commented on one of these in a while. Life's been a bit of a mess. I don't know how to feel anymore. Stressed? Terrified? Anxious? Does any of this actually matter?

Have to make a 9 hour drive up north to Georgia for an appointment early October, didn't expect to have to do that. Apparently starting new care was recently banned here, so that's...it sucks. Just trying to keep my sanity till then at this point.

Turns out some family members I have to see regularly are very transphobic, so... yeah. That's been oh so fantastic for my mental health too.

Venting aside (I'm sorry) the best news is definitely getting a new car. Traded in my aging SUV for a much newer Subaru, and absolutely love it. Finally something that wasn't a hand-me-down, that's mine and my own. Also managed turned that now required drive to Georgia into timing perfectly with a camping trip with some friends up there, so that's something worth looking forwards to.

Sorry if any of this was saying too much. I've been stressed way out.

Nice website!

I'm glad you're around, Alyaza! I'm bummed that cohost is shutting down, too, but I'm not surprised. Your website looks good, I like it!

My week has been pretty shitty, as usual. I'm really sick of this awful, useless brain and body I'm stuck with and the horrible, unhealthy environment I'm stuck in. I wish humane euthanization was an option. But, it's not. I don't want some poor, innocent person to have to find a body and deal with the trauma of it; that wouldn't be fair to them. So I'm stuck. Life is hell and I'm tired. Tired of being useless and miserable and broken. Bleh. There's so much more I want to get out, but my poo brain won't turn it into words.

I wish the world was better and so many undeserving people weren't suffering. I hope things get better for everyone here who are having difficult times and I wish I was able to respond to everyone directly.

I got my first ex lol.

It's alright— it was a relationship where we both understood the feelings are new and we're both inexperienced, but in retrospect all communication fell from there lol. Aaand I think it's still falling.

So. (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ Let's see how much of it can actually be settled...

Otherwise life has been a piece of shit because of burnout. So much is happening around me that I know I'm succeeding at, but I'm having a hard time acknowledging my success. The fear and exhaustion is seeping in. I'm hoping I can recover soon! ...Because a lot feels like it's at stake. (☍◡⁰)

Good luck to everyone 🫡

Bad mental health week. Accidentally alienated my only friend because he was trying to be nice but I felt like he didn't hear what I was saying and I kept talking in circles.

I don't think therapy is an option because I can't afford an involuntary commitment. I looked it up, and if I get lucky and they send me to the cheapest hospital, the first day will wipe out my savings. It's a minimum 72-hour hold, I'd be ruined.

Also I didn't even get my library card because I didn't realize the library closes early on my day off 😢

Just trying to bury myself in overtime so I don't have time to mess my life up.

I'm a week into the new job. And so far it's fine. In some ways, very different from my last job, but in other ways it's very familiar to me. So far, the work doesn't seem like anything crazy. It's mostly stuff I've done before.

I'm having to commute again, which kinda sucks, but at least the commute isn't any longer than what I used to do before I went full remote at previous job. At least by car. I still need to give public transit a try, though I have my suspicions that that'll be longer.

And at some point, probably soon, I'll be able to do a hybrid schedule, at least a couple days a week. So that'll be nice.

Not gonna lie, after a month off of work, it was tough to have to wake up early again and work! I need to win the lotto or something.

Getting used to living in my new city. After 3 weeks of living here, I'm still liking it. That said, I haven't gone out as much as I'd've liked because 1) I'm still trying to get things unpacked and situated, and 2) I'm a homebody hermit. Easier (and cheaper) to just stay home and chill.

I got a new used phone so hopefully it will be good and I am logged back in to beehaw hooray who needs punctuation anyway

Landed a job last week!! 😊☺️😊

Getting everything ready now to start October 1st. I'm excited but a little anxious at the same time. Impostor syndrome is a bitch.

Gonna try to enjoy the coming 2 weeks until work starts. I'm starting a D&D campaign on Sunday, really excited about that.

@alyaza it's always great to hear about someone listing their ideas on their own blog rather than on social media. It just gives the message and the space more personality and offers a different experience than posting the same message on a regular social media platform.

I also saw your article titled what i would do for a third party i actually like and I must say that I do agree with you, despite being on a slightly different political leaning, but I totally agree with you on the topic that more parties would be needed in America. Like, if I was an American, I wouldn't know who to vote (I don't know who to vote here in Romania either, lol). And I also saw the argument that the two-party system was there, among other things, to keep extremist political forces away from the mainstream. Yet we nowadays see how one of these two parties has a candidate which is a threat to democracy himself, and a threat to the entire Western world as we know it. I believe that any political system which allows for multiple parties voicing their different opinions is what we need in a healthy democracy, otherwise the system is not fully representative for the regular citizen.

Keep up with your blog 😁

About my last week... well... how could I put it... hectic would be a really mild word to describe it. It was rather surreal. I'm now sitting in my bed and I still cannot believe it happened, and I still hope it was just a bad dream or something...

Last Sunday, I received the news that a friend of mine passed away. He was an awesome friend, always there for you, always of help and not only. We knew each other for more than a decade already. We've been to countless concerts and music festivals together, we traveled to a lot of places, I've even stayed at his place overnight on multiple occasions. He was about to turn 30 the next month. He did not show any signs of depression. He didn't really have any issue that I was aware of. Last time we saw each other last month, at a friend's birthday. Nothing that would make us aware of his problems at all, if he had any. He was also earning quite above average, had quite a good car, and he was about to move in an apartment that he just bought, in a new building (from what he said, it was a fairly large apartment).

He was buried this Wednesday, and many of his friends were people that I knew as well. And they said the same thing: we did not expect he would do this. We were all in shock, we just saw ourselves in a way we never saw each other so far...

I put a CW on this comment because this is really something that can come as a shock to anybody. I'm sorry for you if you're reading all this from Lemmy and you feel affected by all this, because it is not easy for me to talk about it (I think Lemmy doesn't support CWs as Mastodon, for example). Every time I tell someone about this, it is just too difficult for me to speak about it.

I just want to tell you to seek help whenever you feel like you're seeing no reason to continue with your life. I know it can be hard for you to see things differently, but do not stay quiet about it - speak about it. Speak to a friend, speak to a therapist if you can find one, create a burner account somewhere and post here on Beehaw, just don't let any of these things affect you so much that you decide to end it all. This friend of mine probably thought at some point that nobody could help him, but that was really not true. We are all deeply affected by his death and we (or at least I) just don't know how, don't know why he did this. Do not end your life, whoever you are. You still have people that look after you, you still have someone out there who cares about you, even if you do not feel like it, even if you feel lonely. And all these people would be deeply affected by your possible disappearance, more so if you are the one who takes your own life. Just don't do it!

Also, if you have a friend to who you might have become a bit distant for a while recently for whatever reason, take your time to message them - now, later, tomorrow, sometime this week - or give them a call, tell them what you feel about them and that you care about them. It will probably mean a lot to them.

bummer to hear about cohost (but not all that surprising, unfortunately).

i attended hopscotch music festival the weekend before last. three very full days of seeing artist after artist play music (with a tiny bit of stand up comedy and amateur professional wrestling mixed in). it was great, but boy howdy am i feeling like an old. my feet hurt for days afterward.

the day before the festival, my little dog rode around town with me for a whole 13 miles! that's her longest ride ever in her backpack, and she did great. i'm definitely going to upgrade her pack, though, since she was shifting side-to-side a bit which wasn't terribly comfortable.

echo earned her CGCU last week, which is the last of the one-shot titles i plan to get for her. next up is prepping for our first rally trial, including a class that starts at the end of october.

this weekend i'm heading to another three-day fast CAT (coursing ability test) with the little dog. hoping to pick up some advice on stretching her before and after so she's less sore this time around.

Frussy. Gotta bus over to an appointment to get my head checked @.@ Maybe that critter can help me get on a cash assistance program. She tried to, but they just (eventually) sent me three copies of a rejection thing, dated a week previous to when I got them. This crap is all very mysterious and cryptic and quiet. It's just, struggle up the ability to send in an app in the first place, then hurry up and wait for a week or a month and maybe finally get something in the mail from like a week previous saying I've got two days (from a week previous) to settle some crap, or whatever. Or it just says nothing and I'm loster than before. Ugh. I'd like to be able to buy soap and maybe even pay bills, which this thing should let me do but it takes ages for anyone to even tell me anything and then I get that sorted and it's just.............................. .....................
.....................
.....................
.....................
....................No

>:(

Anyway, if I survive not paying my bills maybe I can get some head-meds to make life livable. I hate being stuck in this horrible hunam hellhole world v.v wobbles frussily

Other than that I guess I'm fine 🤷 Anxing over going out makes everything 😬 COVID stuff clearing up, I think. COVID is lots of fun and I recommend it only to critters who enjoy maximum fun nodnod 🙃 Am playing Space Empires IV, an ancient space 4X game. Can't fit or run much on this laptop. wobble Uhhmmmm... stuff, Idunno. Head's all weird, honestly. I'm not sure it's accepted that I'm even here. Sometimes I wake up and think I'm not. Sometimes I feel like I need to process things that I just can't because I'm afraid I can't actually be here, can't trust anything or anyone. Like I start to think of this place as a kind of home and bam, something goes horribly wrong. ... I'm rambling and I don't even know why 😅 Uhhh anyway there are lots of games I suddenly miss now that I can't play them. That's tons of fun :| I brought some random little bits with me, for the projecty computery thingy I wanted to build 😅 Just found some knobs I was gonna use. Didn't bring the pots, just the knobs for them. Didn't bring my lil air filter. Oh, noisy bikes. There are tons of noisy bikes in this town @.@ They drive right by my window 😅

Okay I'll stop yapping now. ... I haven't been talking much so I guess I kinda just blurted out a ton of crap 😅 "Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short" springs to mind, thinking of my life. Odd reference to make there but oh well 🤷 skitters away, hides under a something

Hello! I've been distracted by news this week as it has been...eventful. But I've been working on a game I'm writing the script for, and trying to catch up on college work.