this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2023
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The Monkey's Paw

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Want to make a wish? Just ask the Monkey’s Paw! No strings attached.*

Just create a post that starts with “I wish ___”. Other users will then grant you the wish, and probably not how you intended.

^(*)^ ^Strings^ ^definitely^ ^attached.^ ^Satisfaction^ ^not^ ^guaranteed.^ ^Wish^ ^will^ ^likely^ ^backfire.^

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[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Granted. You understand them and they understand you. You realise how absolutely miserable pets are.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

You can, but it includes every animal and you can't turn it off.

You can hear the conversation of every animal constantly, including insects, rotifers, tardigrades, and any other creature in the animal kingdom. If they're living on or in you, then you can't even walk away.

Even worse, the animals don't magically get advanced processing abilities. So you can communicate with them, but they can't understand you any more than they could understand other communications (ex. From their own species). So enjoy the incessant babbling

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

They've been waiting to talk about their medical problems, and the language is incredibly graphic.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

You can but animals just say the vilest, most awful shit. They have grown up without any form of shame or social norms.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Granted, but now every animal absolutely hates you and any animal that sees you starts insulting you until you leave.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

You turn into a blind mole rat and become king of the human to animal translator.