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~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
im a garden and landscape builder and my greatest pleasure in life is seeing things grow and progress.
a few months ago I connected with a group of incredibly nice people and seeing these people grow every day of their life, bringing in new people and change with them, that is my lifeline right now.
if I was to reincarnate, please let me be a hobbit in the 4th age.
I have a chance, albeit a very small one, to make the world a place other people don't want to exit if I'm alive. Can't do that if I'm dead. But I would probably want to be euthanised if I started living a painful or disabled life.
I want to do stuff
If I had a turn off button on my back like a toy I would had pushed it long ago...
Suicide is too painful. That's it. Also my mom's food still nice.
Food
I don't have an alternative. If i die I will stop existing. And despite all the pain I'm living through it's all caused by the desire to live.
It's sometimes superficially tempting but dying would not solve any of my problems. You can't solve wrong choices in life by stopping to exist. It's just logically contradictory.
Because I cannot believe that non existence is the default, and that what we are doing now is but a blip...so I'm going to see where this blip takes me.
because dying is painful!!!
Why wouldn't I? We are living in interesting times.
I've got alot of people I've promised that I won't off myself. Those promises were mainly what got me through the dark times.
I set up a plan a while back now. Once I hit an age where I feel pain all the time, I'll start evaluating whether I'm getting enough enjoyment out of life to continue. If I decide it's time, I start getting my affairs in order. Getting closure with folks, having some good final talks with folks, giving the advice I can, documenting that I know that I haven't documented yet, distributing my things, etc.
At the end of it, if I still feel like going, I'll get my N2 tank and respirator and find a nice place to sit.
I've given myself 30 years for my first raincheck. Might push it up if things get real bad, but it's pretty alright ATM so I don't think I will RN.
Because for all the suffering and horrific ugliness, there is still beauty and joy. The smile of a neighbor, the red-headed woodpeckers and their mates that visit, the stray cat that hangs out, my adult child's "I love you," and sharing of joys and challenges. My fur baby's cuddles, my dear friends' messages from afar. A walk at dusk in summers, sunsets and sunrises, the sound of rain and thunder, the call of tree frogs, watching deer walk and rabbits and squirrel play. A cool breeze, the taste of water, a berry, home made relish from my neighbors, laughing, crying, and emotions that can't be articulated but explored. Being at peace with myself.
Life is interesting. Even on the most mundane boring day I can entertain myself in my thoughts. I don't really get extreme mood swings like when I was a teenager. No matter how sad I am it doesn't feel like the world is over. It's enjoyable to exist from the small things like sun shining on my skin to the milestones.
If my life ever changed and I was struggling with no chance of getting back on track I would consider changing my outlook.
I don't have ths balls to kill myself, nor access to guns. Other methods tend to have lower rates of success, and a failed suicide attempt is a pretty scary thought. While unlikely, even shot to the head can be survived. Especially if you accidentally move the gun while pulling the trigger which I heard does happen, only causing severe brain damage, but not death.
So yeah, I've got no balls and nobody else to kill me. That's about it. Not worth the risk yet.
Whenever I hear this I always feel it takes a lot more guts to understand why not to but continue to choose to live anyway. Death is a comforting certainty while living is the way we know it to be. Hope you and I will be able to feel differently and be more comfotable with the idea of continuing through this world.
I want to see what comes next.
We live in interesting times!
This is actually my primary motivation. I have some morbid curiosity about what we're going to do to ourselves next.
Bad times tend to pass. I find myself forgetting in the moment sometimes and yeah, life is frequently enjoyable in lots of different ways, so I try to remember that.
I'm intending to build a more frequently enjoyable life. I may have to do some surgery before I'll be able to forget things in the moment though.
I don't want my parents to experience my death / want to make sure they are helped in their last years. I've told them that there's an expiration onn that though. Like, you wanna live to 100? You'll be doing it without me.
I'm a coward.
I'm here too and in my case I'm damn sure it's something other than cowardice. I know I'd sacrifice myself in less than a second given the opportunity and I even know how I would, but I haven't. There's a reason we're still around even if we don't know it consciously.
Can't afford to die; it's like $2700 just to dig the fucking hole!
Thanks for the reminder. I'll make sure they know my body belongs in the trash can (in a few decades).
Dog.
I'll be getting a dog soon. Thanks for this, it's too easy to forget how cool dogs are when you don't have one.
Sheer bloody-mindedness.
I feel you on this. I often feel I'm living for pure spite.
Wanting to live is the default for most, even before we become fully aware of ourselves.
The question is, what would make you choose not to?
I've always felt that my note would make anyone who read it glad that they no longer have to deal with someone as indignant and sanctimonious as I am. The fact that most would react to need this way is part of my reasoning against continuing in this world, but in spite of the failings of my species I like other people regardless whether they're safe or not. I'd like to see what happens for my personal interest, but I completely understand anyone who wouldn't be able to tolerate this life at all.
Too a stupid to die.
I'm not sure whether I'm too stupid one way or the other, but at least I know I'm stupid.
I did not choose the living life, the living life chose me.
to spite entropy
Cheers, mate.
I don't choose. To continue living is just the default, and time keeps passing, so I'm alive by inaction...
Choosing the default is still a choice. Why is the default better than the alternative in your opinion? Please don't answer that question or even consider it unless you already have an answer. I would rather not have to ask this myself to be honest.
I don't have a full answer, so I won't try to answer it right now, but I will surely think about it during the next days.