Autism

I can speak as someone who thought they couldn't do parties. Parties are incredibly intense, and can be the best or worst experience of your life depending on the smallest details. Eventually you will learn how to party best for you, what substances to take, what to wear, where to stand and what to do, which parties are just not going to work for you. Keep trying new things, but also if you're not feeling it, take some time out or just leave.

I think the older you get, the more you realize that everyone has imposter syndrome and anxiety all the time, but you just have to fake it until you make it. If you pretend everything is fine, it usually turns out fine.

Grades in college don't matter as much as think unless your literally suda cum laud or however it's spelled. There's an old joke I used to hear in college, what do you call a doctor that graduated at the bottom of their class? Doctor. As far as the social thing goes, going to parties and shit every weekend isn't for everyone, just slow your roll, see what you have fun and enjoy doing, your only 19, I wouldn't even consider you an adult with a fully developed grasp of the world yet. The funny thing about college, most of your peers are in the same boat as you, they just won't admit it.

You need to talk to a therapist about this. It's a long road to overcome the inferior complex you're describing. One witty answer from us isn't gonna solve it. You're gonna need repeated reminders that you're worth just as much as anyone else and your strengths and weaknesses are just as valid as anyone else's.

Also, you're at college so this might be free. I went to a lot of therapy in college.

As for sympathizing, I understand and agree with your aversion to certain shows. Blood and guts make me a little uncomfortable. (I tried to watch Invincible. Nope.) Sitcom embarrassment is actually harder for me to watch that gore. Strange when you think about it. I wear earplugs to shows and movies and anything loud. (I wish I would have had them 20 years ago.)

Up until college, I was a the top of a lot of competence hierarchies. In my little hometown I was one of the funniest, one of the best at paying attention in class, one of the best at taking tests, one of the best at helping others with their homework.

I wasn’t at the top of any of those hierarchies in college, and my fledgling social skills from a rural town were absolutely nothing compared to the level of sophistication these upper middle class suburban kids were doing.

I felt lost and worthless.

But one of the things that helped me keep moving was to make a conscious decision: I was going to see people who were better than me at something as inspiration, not competition.

Fortunately, being autistic, I was able to consciously and deliberately set that as a rule for my mind, and after a little bit of practice I got very good at it.

Now, to this day, when I meet someone who’s better than me at something, I get excited. It feels like watching a cool movie. And instead of thinking about me compared to that person, I think of me compared to the overall landscape. That person who’s awesome at something is like a sharp peak in the landscape, and by interacting with them, even just by watching them, I climb up the side of that spike, and while I might still be beneath the tip of the spike, by being close to it I’m above the average landscape.

People with amazing social skills are inspirations, not competition. They’re a model for how good you can be at it, if you keep your mind open and pay attention.

There will also be people who are highly skilled, but mean and antisocial with how they use their skills. Those people, you need to respect them and you can still admire their skills, but it’s important to maintain your own sense of judgement so you can decide which of their tools to pick up, and which ones to leave alone.

Even interacting with an antisocial person, if you take it as an opportunity to learn, can be valuable.

So I guess that’s how I would summarize the advice overall:

• Mainly, cultivate respect and gratitude for the environment of social sophistication around you. See it as an environment rich with opportunities to learn
• Don’t blindly admire the skillful though. Pay attention to which of the skillful people are using it for good, and which ones for evil
• Pay more attention to the skillful good ones, and allow yourself to see them as inspiration
• Obviously, befriend them if you can.

Definitely don’t lose sight of that good-vs-evil dimension. When I was in college I was paying more attention to the cool-vs-uncool dimension, and it caused me a lot of stress and horror in my life.

The twenties are a good time to start switching from Cool to Good as the main thing you’re seeking in friends and social opportunities. Obviously you need both. Cool people make the world go around, so don’t settle for being Good but Uncool. Just, when the two are in conflict, go for Good.

Well my human, it sounds like you already know that your resentment and frustration is valid but not productive. There will be things you can’t do and it sucks. You seem to know that you cannot function in the “typical” social events listed above. Have you tried changing your approach so the activities are in an environment that you can control? If you can’t go to parties because they’re overstimulating, host a dinner party or game night with a smaller group of people. I wasn’t big on house parties either, but I was always able to find people willing to spend the afternoon hanging out in a kitchen with me while we were baking. One of my favorite Friday nights in college wasn’t spent at a bar, instead we all went to a climbing gym and then got pancakes at IHOP. Your social isn’t going to mirror those college movies, but that’s ok. You will find people willing to hang out, it’s just going to look a little different. :)