As someone who made bad relationship choices when I was young I feel you man. One thing I would recommend is not idolising this person or your feelings for them. One of the unfortunate things about falling in love in your late teens is that you're at your most hormonal. Love will never feel the way it did for you back then. The intensity and the passion of love for someone else won't ever feel the same. It'll be different, recognising that, and not letting the absence of that original high define your expectations of love and future relationships is something to make sure you're prepared for. I hope some of this resonates with you, good luck in moving on. It can take a while, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
this post was submitted on 14 Apr 2025
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So...he let you back in, and you did the same thing again? I understand mental health problems, i do, but they are still YOUR problems. You've gotta take responsibility for them and steps to address them before you try for a relationship. Imagine what this looks like from his side? School friend suddenly becomes a dick and turns on him? That's gotta suck, and then you did it twice.
You've looked inward (sort of). Time to seek help.
Apparently I triggered his ptsd by yelling at him
All I want to say is try not to be too hard on yourself with this. Yeah, it sounds like you went through some significant instability around the guy, but it 100% doesn't have to be that way with everyone and forever.
You're young, you have a psychologically difficult context (hard enough when you're young, adding an attraction style that's frowned upon by tradition/culture/what have you only makes it more complicated), and you've found someone you admire. Honestly, this is pretty par for the course from where I'm standing (I'm not trying to minimise your experience, it still sucks and I'm truly sorry you've experienced loss in this way).
I'm not saying that I encourage the behaviour you've described, but it isn't shocking, either. You're figuring out who you are, botching a few takes along the way is to be expected. Take your time to properly grieve this loss, but don't be disheartened entirely. I promise you you'll be back on that horse, and I guarantee you this will not only not be the last man who strikes your fancy, but it also won't be the last time your emotions go haywire around someone else. The important thing is to learn something from every attempt and to try to make new mistakes every time.
You are entirely deserving of love, and you deserve someone who makes it look easy.