this post was submitted on 04 Mar 2024
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I don't know if anyone will see this, or how much sense it'll make. I'm so stressed and upset and everything, it's hard to think straight.
My beautiful kitty Ziggy, who I love more than anything, the only thing that's been keeping me alive, my fucking baby...is just full of tumors that are likely cancer. They're growing so fucking fast. I don't know how long she has and I can't tell if she's in pain, but I can't fathom how she wouldn't be with hiw distended her abdomen is from the tumors. I don't even know if there would be any options if I could afford it because all I could afford (had to beg, borrow, and steal to get the money) was a minor needs clinic at the next city's SPCA.
I don't know how I'm going to afford euthanization. (I'm disabled and unable to work and am dependent on my disabled mom.) The time could come at any moment from now to a month from now, but with how bad it is, it's likely to be soon.
It's all complicated by the fact that she's in heat because my mom has refused to get her spayed because it's 'not natural.' So she's suffering with the unbelievable amount of tumors, being in heat, and her favorite person being gone (mom's out of town) all while nearly eleven years old. My poor baby. I hope she at least makes until mom is gone for a while before it's time. She deserves some time with her momma before she goes. Especially because this is the longest mom has ever left her her whole life and she gets so upset even when she just leaves for an hour, let alone weeks, and while she's dealing with all of this...
I don't really have anyone to talk to but even if I did I don't know if I'd be able to because of my disabilities and health issues and stuff making it so hard for me to talk to people and find my words and gather my thoughts on the best day...with all of this going on (on top of a massive pain flare) I just can't fucking think and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!!! She doesn't deserve to suffer!! I don't want my fucking baby to suffer!! What the hell do I do and how!? I AM NOT OKAY I was already suicidal before all this. God dammit. My poor baby. I hate life. What do I do!? I wish somebody would just fix it all for me and pay for everything so she can at least get hospice care or palliative care or something, and then a gentle euthanasia at home or something. I don't know. What do I fucking do!? My poor sweet baby. I may edit this to add the X-rays if I can bring myself to see them. They're fucked up.
HELP
I can't offer much good advice or help, only some friendly words. Ziggy sounds like she's had a good life with a loving family. The way you describe her situation there's probably not much more that could be done for her even if money were no issue, but I would argue that you're already doing the most important thing: being there for her and showing her that she's loved and not alone.
Spending a pet's last days or hours together is the hardest part of having a pet. Some pets are family members, which is something pet-less people for the most part can't understand. You caring (and being strong) for Ziggy despite feeling helpless yourself is probably the most precious gift you can give her. Never forget that. Whatever happens in life that you have no control over - and cancer is a super-extra shitty example - the most important thing is to have somebody who cares about you. And for Ziggy that's you.