Autism

Hello Everyone,

Apologies if I’ve not responded on Matrix, as I lost access to the Cinny client and disappointingly lost contact with everyone because of that.

I’m in quite a bit of a pickle and would greatly appreciate the autistic community’s input to my current scenario. As usual, this will read like a monograph, and I deeply appreciate your input or some sense to be talked into me.

Currently I am working as an engineer at a large company manufacturing semiconductors. I really am feeling my neurotype much more strongly here.

Definitely not in a good way. The way that people speak to each other always feels fake friendly. When I first started working here, I had a very positive opinion of my coworkers from when I started. Now it feels like I’m walking a tightrope as I’ve been overstimulated nearly every day and feel like an alien when trying to come up with responses to try and mask myself as normal. I don’t want to become the “autistic guy” at work, but I’m going to sincerely lose my mind if things stay this way.

We are not in production mode and things are slow. Our manager also has many faux masculine preconceptions of how he thinks men should act. More in the brutish sense, but it makes sense given his generation and background.

It seems like a kind of Good Old Boys School where the older men have strong opinions about what they believe masculinity is. They also believe in working yourself to death for a paycheck that isn’t even as much as the State that I live in pays its engineers.

As much as I’d love to get into how the conservative aura impacts me, I just try to ignore it since I’m generally used to that political archetype.

Let’s step back a bit and see how I got myself here… When I discovered this community, I barely got through my last two terms of college. Had some groups that I nearly couldn’t socialize with. I’d try to be cordial and polite, but was theown under the bus by each group. Called the suicide hotline nearly every week, because I suddenly went from being a near straifht A hard working student, to trying to extinguish fires that people set for me when they thought I wasnt part of their in crowd.

Got my shit together when I went to community college, but was miserable after transferring to Uni. I was very gun hoe and driven to get myself out of my circumstances.

I worked 1-3 jobs to afford to support my mother and myself, and had thought of everything to be. Eventually, I chose money over a career that I know I’d enjoy (Teaching, but I’d never make enough to live where I want).

My life I grew up very poor. In hindsight, it seems that I centered too much of my own identity on trying to be “good” at engineering so I could get a job to change my financial situation. Now that it has changed, despite the financial comfort it brings, I feel far less fulfilled than I was when I was broke. At least I had time to myself and a regular group of friends I could confide in. Now it seems like that’s all fading away.

The semiconductor industry is extremely demanding, especially the requirements imposed on us and the expectation to “own” multiple tools (10+ different types).

Executive dysfunction, physical in coordination, and not feeling like I belong is making me want to quit. I’m currently being trained for these tools and it seems like the company wants to keep us for 5+ years due to this. I don’t think I can do this and I believe I want to quit.

Quitting would likely demolish the career that I’ve started. No clue what would happen, but I’m certain the company would be able to replace me and find someone else. However, I don’t want to leave mid tool startup (unless some of you think that I could get out before the heat gets too hot).

This is where I open it up to you, my fellow auties… I need a support group. I hate feeling alone and like nobody understands me. This is a start, let’s lead a discussion and get this figured out.