spoiler
I think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that
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Hey, I don't know any words to help you feel better, but it sounds like you have a lot of guilt and shame. And I don't know why you do, but I can tell you I'm 50 years old and in all my time I've never met anyone who didn't royally fuck something up between the ages of 12 and 22. Give yourself some grace there. My dad stole a car and set it on fire. My bio mom, well, got pregnant at 15. My kids have all royally fucked up at least once each. My son lost a full ride scholarship and had to get himself sober, medicated, and start college all over again on his own dime - he just graduated last month.
Shit sucks if you don't have a support system. Get whatever kind of job you can get. Look for help. I used to donate my time and money to an organization that helped struggling trans youths - so I know there are organizations out there that maybe could help even if only a little bit.
Good luck. I hope you stick it out. Treat yourself with kindness.