this post was submitted on 13 May 2024
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I have this weird thing that when I feel really bad I want to destoy as much stuff as possible so someone pays attention on me because I always hide problems and appear happy to everyone around (except mentioning some really scary stuff in conversations). What saved me this time is that I remembered my cat can damage his paws when walking on broken glass. Ik it doesn't make sense but it is what it is. I'm too scared of talking about my problems irl. I can get a literal heart attack if I try. It's much easier to start a conversation that way. And if I feel real bad why would I care about consequences? Though this time it felt like something a bit different idk. I don't have a personality anyways. I'm more than unstable if it makes sense
Why, because of judgment from the listener? Try me!
I'm not afraid of judgment (unless the listener can physically hurt me which fortunately never happened before) but more like annoyed because nobody ever understands. Well the only people I realistically can talk to about my problems are my parents (I won't talk about it to my distant relatives that I talk to once in a few years lol) but they are much older than me (much more than parents usually are) so they don't understand me at all. It's not the problem. For me talking about my problems irl is like walking naked in front of hundreds of people (hopefully this example won't get me banned). Idk why. Maybe it's because I've never had close friends irl (and in fact I don't have any friends irl now) or maybe it's because of my mental diseases. I really don't know. It's easier to just cry it out and stay in pain (that I'm so used to I almost enjoy it) when I'm alone and behave normally when someone is here, exhausting myself by not being able to comfortably be alone with my pain. Though it's not as bad as it seems. I'm used to all of this. I'm used to being alone since like 12 years old when I became homeschooled due to neural diseases. I can even feel kinda happy when I don't think about my problems and I have something to distract me (like distrohopping or playing video games for hours). And I have people online that can listen to me. Idk what would happen to me if I didn't have them. The worst situation is when they can't be here for some reason like me annoying the neural cells out of them or them just being very busy (dw they are not toxic). That is one of the situations when I want to turn my house upside down btw. Even though I'm as introverted as it gets, I can't be lonely and I'm truly paranoid of losing who I have (that also exhausts me and makes me unable to be myself but that's a whole new problem). And also I know I can't even get someone else without incredible luck and a fantasy-level amount of coincidences cuz for me flying an MD-11 is easier than holding a conversation. But even all of this is not even half of the reasons of my pain. In fact idk if it's humanly possible to explain all of them
Whoa, that was a sudden wall of text. Paragraphs can help with legibility if you'd like.
So they're "neural diseases?" I've never heard of this phrase before; I'm guessing you mean conditions or disorders.
Could a psychiatrist help? I don't know how helpful talk therapy can be with actual disorders...
Sorry for not making paragraphs. I never was good at it.
Neural diseases is how we call them in my mother tongue. Idk what they're called in English. Neuralgia is the closest word I guess. These are not mental disorders nor diseases that affect brain in general. These are things like Tourette syndrome.
Everyone says so but sometimes getting a therapist is impossible or not worth it (like in my case getting a therapist means going to the active war area).
And please just stop paying attention on me. This stupid and perverted world has defeated me already. I'm dead. My physical body (and brain as a part of it) is still alive smh so that's why I can speak but I lost everything and there's no "me" anymore. I'm a bit of a psychologist. I see stuff like this.
I consider everyone (except people who are a part of the most traditional paths of one exact religion but that's besides the point) horrible. Everyone has and does something very wrong that hurts them and others. And the social environment hurts them even more, especially if they try to be different. Just leave me alone and let me die in suffer like all weak, diseased or unadapted organisms in this world. If I'm better, I'll get a reward or at least save my honor. If there's nothing except this world and this is what it changed to, I refuse to adapt and survive. This is just pathetic
EDIT: i feel much better today thanks to isolation and medication. I think now you can clearly see that I'm very unstable
I didn't even realize that English isn't your first language; you're extremely proficient in it! Then yeah, the equivalent would be syndromes, since Tourette is one of them. Also, to be fair, I know a guy who has a few, pretty socially odd Tourette-like tics, but he's still successful with his endeavors. They don't spell the end of your world!
Tics aren't much of a problem (they were in the past though). I just hate the society and modern trends a lot. Hopefully the medication helps because I am actually scared I can attack a person on the street.
And speaking of English, I'm good at some well-polished topics that I talk about a lot and had enough time to learn. I can't do a scientific speech or make a poem (unless I'm in an emergency because then my mind works much better smh)