Autism

For me it's always been a huge issue. I am not even that old but I've still noticed a massive change in how autism is seen from when I was growing up until now.

Many people didn't fully understand what autism was and I was just blanked with the term "special needs". A term I hate with a burning passion. I only realised this as I entered adulthood but I was always told that I a different but never really told how. I knew that it would be more difficult for me to learn, I knew I would have meltdowns and I stim. That's it. And that lack of knowledge lead to me having such an internalised ablist few of myself. It saddens me when I realise that 14 year old me deep down thought of themselves as weird freak.

I could go on and on about my experiences as a teenager but this post can only go on for so long. I suppose the biggest thing was not being told about executive dysfunction. I was the brightest in my class but then it became impossible to get myself to study. My grades started declining. I would get upset and then my inability to focus and study made me feel an intense self loathing. It got to the point where I would frequently have meltdowns and punch myself in the head. When that happened I would just be sent home or suspended. The process would continue without my school or parents trying to get me any help. They all just brushed it off as my autism. And I was told repeatedly that I should be grateful that I wasn't expelled. Naturally, my repeated meltdowns lead to people avoiding me which worsened my self esteem which made it even harder for me to study which lead to more meltdowns. I was constantly just sent home.

Looking back. If one person just explained to me what executive dysfunction is the first time I had a meltdown. I dunno, my life would be completely different. No one ever told me this. I had to figure all this out about myself by myself.

Being able to understand yourself and how your condition affects you is important. I have myself fallen into pits of intense self loathing because of it and I've sadly seen other people on the spectrum do so as well.