this post was submitted on 11 Jul 2023
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Autism
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I’d drop this. This reaches into therapizing, tone policing, telling a person their job on their selves and their feelings, making demands that is exclusively tailoring the interaction for your own comfort and convenience. Maybe it makes sense to you at the time but it is self serving and that person might have a lot of struggles you are not considering to get there and this can come off as ‘just pull yourself up by your bootstraps’. Their journey might be different than your’s on what it takes to manage their emotions. They might not even know how to. This tends to be the gas on the fire in fights for that reason as it is dismissive of their entire experience. Keep it to what you will accept (which you are perfectly in your right to maintain) and maybe your perspective on why it’s so hard to interact with them eg:’I find it very hard to know what I should expect about your behaviour/emotional state/I’m feeling overwhelmed when you do <this action> so I need to be away from you for a while’.
TLDR: own your feelings about the situation but stay out of their business of how they should manage their feelings.
An interesting take I hadn't considered.
From my perspective, "please calm yourself down" isn't designed to tell the other person how to feel but how to present themselves when they interact with me. But yeah, I see how it could be viewed from that perspective.
Part of my reasoning is be who I've had yell at me in the past when I haven't done anything to deserve it (family, colleagues). In those cases, I expect them to maintain a civil tone, which isn't yelling imo. Honestly I don't really care if they're boiling with rage underneath but I expect them not to abuse me if they want to continue interacting with me.