gondaily

Reading Re:Zero Volume 5.

Holy shit.

That's all there really is to it. I really do wonder what he's gonna do. I mean, I can't even imagine it. I like to think I can relate to main characters, and though Subaru is somewhat reprehensible, he was also somewhat relatable, until now.

But at this point? Dude. He's fucked beyond belief. I can't even begin to express how MONSTROUS his situation is. Holy shit.

I am speechless.

I've always struggled to get through those lame parts in books. Not all books have these, but many do. It's those sections of the story where a big plot-point is resolved, but it's clear that there's still a lot of story to go, while simultaneously leaving the characters without anything clear to do.

This is the end of Volume 4 of Re:Zero, for me. It's so bad. The ending itself is OK---a little emotionally overwhelming---but the problem is the beginning of Volume 5. I didn't want to start it, because it felt like I'd gotten just enough closure, and the main character was too aimless for me to be interested.

I did end up picking it up, and it's good, by the way, but it is a very frustrating feeling.

What's up with her, anyway?

I remember her being everywhere some... Number of years... ago. Where is she? This is a rhetorical question, of course. I could find out where she is with a simple internet search! I simply refuse to.

See, ignorance is a funny thing. To not know is, in a way, to know! As my favourite philosopher---George Orwell---once very well said.

I keep getting TikToks about Palestinians asking for donations. Of course, I sympathize with the Palestinian plight, but at the same time I feel so silly watching them. For one, they're all misleading; the TikToks are framed as a regular TikTok, but at the end show an image of a Palestinian family asking for help. It feels so weirdly deceitful, though I suppose it's just to trick the algorithm. It feels wrong to judge the needy for the ways in which they go about simply asking for help. Another point is how these are whole accounts dedicated to posting seemingly endless stream of these posts. I'm sure they make some money off of it. Something else that does come up in my mind is that, if I wanted to make some money and had little to no scruples, I'd make one of these accounts.

It's so easy to rip a bunch of photographs and make one of these accounts.

I don't know. I feel rather powerless, in this situation. Pretty lost, too.

I heard something about Trump saying they're gonna clean out Gaza? That didn't sound very good, let me tell you.

Some of my housemates disrespect our shared spaces.

It's frustrating. One of my housemates actually talked to me about this, and asked me to approach another housemate and talk some sense into them. Very frustrating, indeed.

Something that does upset me particularly is the way they hog the clotheslines. There are three clotheslines for 4 people, but one of us usually dries their stuff outside, on a 4th clothesline. Still, somehow, every single one of them are constantly filled with rags and other stuff. Not even clothes! It drives me crazy... I did find that today, at least, there was one empty one, save for a rag which I moved, so I could actually do laundry.

Whatever.

Another presentation today. I really hope I get a decent grade... I got complimented, but I wonder how much that's worth.

I wager, not that much, but some.

Wish me luck! I have another presentation soon, that makes 3 in a week. Also nervous for that one, but somewhat less so, since the last one is actually on a very similar topic to the first one, so I already have a half-made presentation. Not bad.

I've been obsessed with reading Re:Zero. I made a post about this only a few days ago, but holy crap! It's so good!

The Mavs traded Luka for AD. What the hell? Hilarious move!

People are calling this the craziest trade of all time, in the NBA. I'm not sure I agree, but it's definitely up there. The craziest trade of my lifetime as an NBA fan, that's for sure (though admittedly I haven't been a fan for that long).

Excited to see how this turns out.

I got glasses not that long ago. Just over a year, I think? Something like that, I'm not sure, time flies.

I remember my mum telling me---basically my whole life---that wearing glasses was terrible. I suspect it had to do with her getting bullied over it or something. However, my little brother also really disliked it, as a (younger) kid. My dad never really complained about it much, but occasionally he might've made some less-than-positive remarks. I suspect he's more in tune with how I feel, regarding glasses-wearing.

It really doesn't bother me. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is annoying sometimes. When they're dirty it's hard to see; when it's too cold, my breath condenses on the lenses; when I take a shower, they get all fogged up; I have to remember to take them off before going to bed. Stuff like that. Overall, however, they're totally fine. It's not bothersome to wear them. The bothersome things about wearing glasses are so minor they barely register, if at all. I think quite a few of them---like the lenses fogging up when it's cold---are actually quite endearing and kind of cute.

I don't mind how I look with them on, either. I don't think they make me any more (or less) handsome; they don't really cramp or elevate my style either.

I've seen other people wearing glasses and, occasionally, I will think that they're really sexy. Sorry, sorry... I am a man of flesh! I saw this one girl on TikTok not too long ago and holy smokes! She had these thin glasses that came to a point at the top outer edges. They were so... Sensual... That feels so weird to say. But it's true! It doesn't hurt that she was very cute, obviously, but I really do think the glasses did a lot for the video.

I remember my grandma telling me, when I first got glasses, that it was gonna be rough and I'd have to get used to it. It was not the case at all. I mean, of course I had to "get used to it," but I got used to it the same way you get used to wearing a new shirt. It looks different---it's a different shirt---but it's just a shirt, this stuff isn't exactly going to revolutionize your world or something. She annoyed me a little with how insistent she was every time she saw me for like a month, asking about how I felt. I felt as usual, of course, nothing of substance had changed, and her constant implication that something had indeed changed felt so absurdly uncalled for that it started to genuinely upset me.

Overall, I think my mum's hatred of glasses is wholly unfounded and that my grandma overestimated rather severely how hard it would be to adapt to a glassed life.

They've got a blue-light filter.

I had a presentation today. It went well.

It went... Way better than expected. It went really well, I felt like. I'm not expecting a grand grade or anything, but I feel like I definitely passed. To be totally honest, I feel like I passed with flying colours, but I also feel like I shouldn't say that. I think I have some trouble being honest about my own abilities.

There's this thing that I've been obsessed with for a very, very long time. I'm talking like a decade! Which I guess is really not that long, in the grand scheme of things, but still. That thing is "normality." I really want to be normal.

It's a bit weird. I just wish I was like everyone else. I feel like it'd be nice, but I always feel like I'm different, somehow. Like I think about things differently. I suppose everyone does think about things differently, though, which makes it a pretty normal thing. Turns out I am normal after all! Which makes me happy.

On one hand, I'd be happy to get a good grade, because of course I would. On the other hand, I would really rather not stand out. I don't want a good grade, I don't want a bad grade, I want an average grade. Is that weird? I feel like that's weird. I feel like the normal thing would be to either want a good grade or not care about the grade. I feel like both of those would be pretty normal.

I don't know... Regardless, my presentation went well. I was so nervous beforehand, but as the time drew near I relaxed. It's always a weird feeling, but it's always the same. When the spotlight shines, I'm somehow always relaxed. I'm dying right before, though! My stomach was churning and turning and all the other words that would apply in this situation. It went well, though. I think that's good, overall.

I started reading Re:Zero again. It's so freaking good!!!

I'm only just starting the second volume, but I love it so much!

Can't recommend it enough. The anime is also amazing.

My favourite vtuber is playing TWD. She played episode/season 1 already, now she's playing the second one. It's so much fun!

I wonder if I'd make it far in a zombie apocalypse à la TWD. I think yes, actually. I guess everyone thinks that, though. I like to think I'm resourceful. I know a lot of things, though of course I also don't know way more things... But still.

I'm really worried about my family though, specifically my grandma. She definitely wouldn't make it far...

Let's hope it doesn't happen.

Speaking of the vtuber, I really enjoy her streams. It's so much fun to interact with the people in chat, and we say such crazy things, and she's really funny. Plus, her game choices are really great. I'm having fun everyday.

I've been watching a lot of survivalist content on YT. It's lots of fun. I love Outdoor Boys; definitely check them out! I say "them," but it's really just Luke. I don't watch the videos with the kids very much, I just don't enjoy them as much.

I grew up somewhere where it was basically impossible to be away from civilization. That's kind of how it works when you live very isolated; there's not a lot of people, but there's people everywhere. It's kind of weird, when I put it like that. We had parks and "forests," but not like they show in their videos.

It's lots of fun to find poetry in the mundane.

When you just look outside and see something that speaks to you. I love it.

:D Feeling a little happy today.

Today, I ate some microwaved sweet potatoes. This has made me believe that the microwave is the best cooking apparatus in the kitchen.

I make my rice in the microwave, my potatoes in the microwave... I know there's microwave cake too. You can heat water in the microwave, which is useful for a variety of things.

Very versatile. I had a great lunch today, by the way. Canned mackerel fillets, sweet potato, rice, pickles. Very nice.

I've always thought Linus, from LinusTechTips, often came off as an incredibly conceited, annoying, and rude person. I don't know what it is about him exactly, but I've just always thought he acts in a very strange and off-putting way, which is a real shame, being that I love tech content on YT, and he's one of the biggest out there. I simply could never get into his stuff, because he just gave me such terrible vibes.

Now, I'm saying this, but so what? Right? I mean, getting bad vibes from someone doesn't mean they're actually bad, for one, and for two, I find it rather distasteful to just announce that you dislike someone for seemingly no reason. I did it because it relates to the rest of this post.

Today, I watched a video from Louis Rossman wherein he basically tore Linus a new hole. It's over an hour long, and while saying bad things about Linus isn't the only thing he does, it's what stuck with me. Watching that video, I was reminded of another video---a TikTok, actually---that I watched the other day, about Neil Gaiman. The TikTok was saying how, after Neil Gaiman was outed as a terrible person (apparently, while I have heard about this I didn't actually look anything up about him), tons of people came out of the woodwork talking about how they've always had an inkling about him, how they never really liked him, he just gave off bad vibes, and so on. The thesis was that, those people should STFU; if you knew he was shit, why didn't you say so before?

Upon watching Louis' video, I felt that same way. That weird vindication that my gut feeling was right about someone. Then, I felt incredibly silly.

Should I have warned people? I don't know, that seems so wrong. And for the record, I'm still withholding judgement on this particular situation, as I don't have nearly enough context---nor do I care enough to look it up---to actually judge anyone involved.

Then, I watched another TikTok, talking about Trump supporters being faced with facts. That's how it was framed, but the general idea was that, upon having their deep beliefs shattered, people tend to be in a very fragile emotional state, one that, if pressed, will often result in them lashing out. So, if you shatter someone's understanding of the world, and then keep pushing it with more and more evidence, they might just get angry at you. Basically, that was the TikTok. Now, I wonder if that other TikTok was just that. People are upset when others say this whole "I felt they were terrible way before" because they didn't see it, so it's like a deep belief that they held was shattered, and now you're just rubbing salt in the wound, so they lash out and get angry.

I don't know.

I'll just keep on not watching LTT.

Today, I reviewed my financial goals for retirement. I decided to rethink this because of a variety of factors---including me having learned quite a bit since I first outlined my goal---, but mostly because I want to make sure I'm going where I'm headed.

What I found was that I was, for one, very optimistic about potential returns, and secondly, aiming for a number that's far too high. Well, "too high" in the sense that I need only much less; of course, I wouldn't mind reaching a higher number.

I adjusted my expected returns and my goal, and that actually severely cut the years that it would take me to get there. It's nice when you review your goals and realize you made a mistake that made things harder for you.

At this pace, which may or may not be sustainable depending on a variety of factors, and may or may not increase, depending on a variety of factors, I could retire by my mid-40s. About 20 years from now. That sounds unrealistic... But hey, it's fun to try, at least. We'll see how it goes.

I wouldn't be the first to achieve this.

I had a meeting about a grant, yesterday. It went well, I think. I'm almost certainly gonna get the extension. More money. I got paid yesterday too, and it kind of shocked me. I was expecting payment, of course, but it just felt like so much money. I felt like when I got paid the first time. I don't know why... Maybe I'm learning some gratitude for the things I have? I don't know.

Today (or maybe yesterday evening?) I responded to someone on Discord that had made an interesting comment.

They said something along the lines of their friends having criticized Donald Trump's "DEI Ban," and saying that he just wants straight white men in the federal government. Something to that effect. He then said that that's ridiculous, and he wishes his friends did more research (he was more condescending in his phrasing).

Now, I'm not American, nor a policy expert, nor had I heard about this DEI ban, but I have my notions about Donald Trump, and so I went to look it up, and read what was written about it on the White House website.

I wrote a relatively short message detailing why I thought that, in a way, it did seem like Donald Trump just wants straight white men in the federal government. I was much more nuanced than this.

I didn't get a response because, almost immediately, a mod sent a warning about how there should be no political discussions on the server. Now, I don't think that's a great idea, but I get it and I respect it. However, I did notice that, while the warning was wagered against both of us, it was only enacted upon my response. That is to say, had i just ignored that comment, there would've been no warning. Somehow, the comment wasn't considered "political" enough to be worthy of a smite.

Here's my issue: that comment was very much a political statement. The implications that they agreed with the DEI ban were clear and obvious. I also know this because the person that made those comments has made other similar, though unrelated, remarks that made their position on certain issues rather clear. For example, recently, they denied that what Elon Musk did was a Nazi salute. They've said other things too.

I guess this whole post is just me venting my frustration that lies fly and truth crawls. It's so easy to just say anything, just make an implication, an insinuation, and just move on.

"Oh my friends are so silly to think that Trump is racist and sexist! They don't even understand the DEI ban! These terms just get thrown around like nothing these days..."

But to make a point in retort I have to actually say something of significance. Otherwise, it's just slinging shit. "Actually, he is racist and sexist" "Huh, you're just like them! Name one time he was racist and sexist? You can't!" And then I have to do the work. I have to cite. And then they can just say "that doesn't count" "you're misinterpreting" "that was a ROMAN salute!"

It's ridiculous.

Isn't this also what dog-whistles are? Plausible deniability, basically. Say whatever you want, except what you mean.

See, I don't mind political discussion. I have been turned away from some opinions by discussion, I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong; I welcome corrections, I want to improve. My issue isn't that someone disagrees with me, not even that they may be wrong or misinformed themselves, it's that they're either too cowardly to say it, or too daft to defend it and too attached to renounce it.

This reminds me of Ben Shapiro. Debating college students with his machine-gun mouth like it proves anything other than the fact having a bunch of prepared points against randos and talking over people gets internet points.

Pricks.

I was watching a gambling video, on YouTube. It's a compilation of these two guys---I don't know who they are, though I've seen one of them before---just losing, and losing, and losing everything in online gambling. It's crazy the amount of money they're throwing in the fire.

Thousands, millions of dollars, gone like that. Unbelievable, in that I would literally not believe it had it not been video-recorded. Insanity.

I wonder what it's like to just have such a strong compulsion to do something so destructive. I understand what it's like, a little bit, on account of my eating. It's really hard for me to stop eating, or to not eat, even if I know I don't need to. I assume it's similar.

I guess the difference between eating yourself to death and gambling your life away isn't all that much.

I need new shoes.

I bought new shoes not so long ago, about 3 months ago, but I think I need new ones. The reason I say this is because I've been wearing the same shoes (those new ones) basically every single day. I do occasionally use the other ones, but only to take a walk or for a quick go at the grocery store, things of the sort.

I feel like it's not a good idea to just wear the same shoes constantly, not very hygienic either, I'd gather.

I've been looking online. I've found a few shoes that seem really cool, at reasonable prices. We'll see how it goes.

Also, it seems I really will be going to Barcelona soon. Exciting... NOT! It's gonna be lots of work... I HATE WORK! Oh well, hopefully it'll be interesting, at least.

Perfect rice is hard to make.

Said NOT ME!

I have mastered the art. Well, my parents gifted me a Tupperware rice cooker for Christmas and I've recently managed to optimize the cooking process. By that I mean I found the exact time it should be in the microwave. 22.5 minutes, for the rice I bought.

Comes out great every time.

:D

I love sashiko. Both the philosophy of repairing your own clothes, the idea of visual mending, and the awesome designs.

However, my pants aren't ripped. My shirts are intact.

Of course, I could make a hole in them just to mend it, and I could add sashiko for purely aesthetic purposes, but that simply doesn't please me nearly as much as mending would. I want my things to last forever, but I want them to break so I can fix them as well.

I got new jeans, today. I bought them a week-or-so back, they arrived on Friday, but I only got to go pick them up today. They seem to be exactly as advertised: very well maintained, correct sizing, no blemishes or rips... They're perfect. The colour is just as I thought it would be, too. I bought these jeans to replace some previous jeans that no longer fit me, after I lost weight.

Perfect condition Levi's 501s for €20. I wonder if that's actually a good deal. It feels like a good deal, and I guess that's what actually matters. If I take good care of them---and watch my line---these two jeans might be the only pants I'll ever have to own. That sounds a little unlikely, but I guess we'll see.

I was with my grandma today. She's old, over 70 years old. I love her to bits, but her age is really showing.

She's slow, completely behind the times, everything hurts all the time... She's still a sweetheart that cares for her family, but this is kind of freaking me out. I want her to live forever, but I can see that she really won't.

I suppose all I can do is appreciate the time we still have together, and that's what I intend to do.

Remember to talk to your loved ones!

I'm not looking to get into relationships. Quite frankly, the idea of getting into a relationship with someone is a little revolting. That's a strong word to use, I'm aware, but I do mean it. It's stomach-churning to think of it, to think of getting attached to someone so strongly. I don't mean for this to sound insulting or demeaning, in any way; I have nothing against relationships, and people in relationships don't bother me in the slightest (my own parents are in a relationship, wouldn't you believe it).

Perhaps because I'm so closed-off to others, when I think of what would take for me to get into a relationship, I imagine a slow-burn sort of romance, so slow that it's like it's not even moving. The sort of romance that starts of as acquaintance and somehow turns into a friendship and somehow turns into a relationship, so slow that only as the persons are getting married do they realize that they aren't just acquaintances, any more.

Maybe I'm scared of commitment? I don't think I am; then again, I'm not a psychologist.

Speaking of commitment---something I planned all along, by the way, as I wrote the title of this post before writing even a single word of the post text---, what's up with cheaters?

I think some people take love very lightly. Or rather, they take relationships very lightly, and they don't really care about love. I met a cheater---I found out someone I knew was a cheater---and it shook me a little. Of course, I know people cheat, I know there are people that cheat, but to actually meet someone. He was bragging, too, I think. At the very least, he was not not-proud of it. It was weird. I just laughed and said "that's not good, that's terrible, that's really bad," but I think it came off as somewhat unserious. He's a colleague, so I don't want to make an enemy of him by shitting on his terrible actions. I feel a little stuck, in this situation, but I feel I did what's best for me.

The more I think about this, the more I think I'm actually very normal, on the inside. Which might seem really weird, having read this post, but I mean it. I think I'm very normal, but I just think about things in a very abnormal way. I think people do feel love, but while I think of relationships as an expression of that, most people just don't. They don't actually think of it that way... I don't know what it is, though, is it transactional? He doesn't love his girlfriends, that's for sure.

A VTuber I really like says she doesn't understand love and that, at some point, she just decided to define love for herself. She just sat down and said "this is love," and then that was love. Obsession, by the way, is what she defined it as. She's in a relationship, but she says she doesn't really "love" her partner, not in the traditional sense, but that she is madly obsessed with them, which for her is love, by definition. I can understand that, to be honest. It's rational and logic, even if unhinged and weird.

How can someone be in a relationship and cheat? It's just... It's so hard for me to wrap my head around it. I understand not wanting to be in a relationship and cheating; it's shitty but it's understandable. I understand being drunk or high or something and kissing someone without thinking and then realizing you did it and thinking it was awful and regretting it; it's irresponsible but not so immoral or anything, I don't think. Actively engaging in a relationship, being with someone strongly and unquestionably, and still wanting to be with someone else? I don't know, that's just so weird.

Well, I guess poly people exist, so there's that. I don't know.

Humans are complicated, I suppose. That's the conclusion I've come to. What a revolutionary thought-leader, I am.

Yesterday, my parents talked to me about the weather. More specifically, they were worried about how cold it is over here, as we've been dipping into the negatives. They insisted---quite intensely, might I add---that I get a heater for my room. I said I didn't need a heater, as I was totally fine with my current situation, but they even they wanted to pay for it. I can afford a heater, they know that too, but they were just really worried about me, and they're worried my goals are taking control of me and making it so that I sacrifice comfort to an unreasonable extent.

Which is not true, of course.

That got me thinking about social signalling, by which I mean what people understand about us by the way that we look, talk, and so on, rather than the facts of the situation.

I think fashion plays a big role in this. I think my parents perceive my sense of fashion to be rather... Laid back, let's put it that way. Careless. Bummish. Admittedly, it is so. Now, I've decided to revolutionize my wardrobe for unrelated reasons, but I do see a change in perspective as an additional and very much welcome benefit. Wearing well-fitting jeans, clean and fashionable shoes, a nice jacket or cardigan once in a while? I think they see that and get good vibes, and I'm hoping they'll worry less. If I look put-together, they'll think I'm put-together, and stop harassing me about the weather. That rhymed. Whoever said prose is paragraphed poetry was correct.

Have I mentioned I bought new jeans? They should arrive soon. Tomorrow, or next Monday. Can't wait to try them out. The Levi's 514s I mostly wear now are really nice. Running the risk of being uncouth, allow me to mention, I do enjoy the way my butt does uh-look in them jeans. These ones I bought now are 501s, like the first ones I got and have since ingrown---lost weight, I wanted to use the opposite of outgrown but that is not what ingrown means.

And with that, I bid you

Adieu.

A cloak, a stoic expression, atop a mountain; Is there a better way to farm aura?

I don't really know why I decided to write this...

Comedy, I think. I think the whole concept of aura farming is absolutely hilarious. As in, falling on the floor grabbing my guts levels of hilarious. Can barely breathe levels of hilarious.

The cringe lines uttered---intentional use of the verb---by the farmers are always something else. I can barely move my fingers, as I write this. I'm heaving every breath.