The Onion

The first and only good babylonbee article

“ATTENTION VOTERS: Kamala Harris and her fellow Democrats woke up this morning feeling EXTREMELY BUMMED,” wrote House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries in a 600-word email with the subject line “URGENT: VERY SAD.”

“Last night was HARD, but with your HELP, we can make sure Republicans don’t take away our SMILES completely.

For just $20, you can put the PEP back in our STEP. Are you with me?” At press time, the DNC sent a follow-up email that featured photos of Harris, Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Cheney frowning alongside a caption that read “LOOK WHAT YOU DID.”

Yes! A new ONN video and it's great!

HARRISBURG, PA ― Undecided voter and self-described “non-partisan skeptical moderate” Deannah Sole has announced that, in the rapidly approaching election for tonight’s meal, which is locked in a dead heat between Italian and sushi, she intends to vote for whatever will leave everyone with an actual preference unhappy.

a short one, but still