gondaily

I feel like the things I think can't be made real. Does that make sense? There's so much in my head that it feels impossible to get it all out. I can't formulate the words, I can't draw my thoughts either. I think that's why I like poetry, not that I'm good at that either, but I like that it's meant to be a way to say how you feel without having to spell it out, because I can't spell it out.

A lot of the time, these posts feel like poetry to me. I'm aware they don't really come across as such, and they're clumsy and rambling, but it's a way I have found to express myself.

I talk about the things I love because I think maybe people will understand me, if they know what I care about. Even if I can't tell them who I am, they might be able to guess at the shape of me from how I interact with the world.

I'm not sure I have passions. I have things I love, like my family and taking a walk at night and listening to music and reading a nice book. I love doing those things, but I'm not sure they're passions. I feel like, maybe, I've been conditioned to see passions as things you want to do all the time. Or maybe that is what a passion is. Or maybe not.

I think that my shot at doing something meaningful is so small that it's not worth trying. I still feel that I should try, though I don't want to. I saw a video just a bit ago about having talent but no passion. I've never really struggled in my life; I think that's a combination of luck and talent. I think I'm really good at getting things done. I'm one of those people that never tries and still somehow manages to do it. I was like that in high-school, during my bachelor's, during my master's, I'm doing it during my PhD. I just put it a little bit of work and it keeps working out. I guess it upsets me that I manage to get through life without effort, because I feel like I'm being pushed forward without direction. I just keep going because doors just keep opening for me and I feel like I should take them, even though I don't want to. Maybe that's talent without passion. Sometimes I get bursts of interest in something, sometimes that's my work, but even then I always just get that feeling that I don't need to try. That even if I just keep going I'm gonna get there, and trying hard will just be worthless effort.

I've been saying for a while that my dream was to be a waiter at a sweets' shop. I honestly think that's true. I've always thought the idea of a dead-end job to be really appealing, something where you just clock in and clock out, you do the same things every day, there's no expectations one way or the other, you just do your thing and that's it.

If I could choose what I do from now until I retire, I'd choose to be a waiter at a sweets' shop.

I feel like the sky is really beautiful.

Sometimes, I look outside and get overwhelmed. The world really is a beautiful place. The sky, the clouds, the trees, but also the man-made things. I think pavements are really beautiful. Over here, pavements often have designs on them and I think that's really cool. I think buildings are cool. I also love when things look a little scuffed, like a misaligned design on a store front, for example. You can clearly tell that someone made that, that they tried to do something and failed just a little, they couldn't get it quite right. It's endearing, I guess.

Humans are so silly. I love seeing people act. Sometimes, as I'm doing things, I become oddly aware that I'm a person, that I have a body, and that I do things. It's a little disturbing, not gonna lie, but it's also weirdly encouraging. It puts things into perspective.

I ate some hot pasta today. It was a sort of salad thing, I think, with pickles and onion and other stuff, and eggs. It was good, sure, but I couldn't help but feel like, had the pasta been cold, it would've been better.

I want to come up with a weekly menu that I can eat every week. Is that weird? It's cool to have a uniform---something you wear everyday---but I feel like eating the same thing everyday is looked down upon. I love eating new things, changing things up, of course, but having a set plan for any given day feels like it would be fantastic.

I think a cold pasta salad could definitely be a good option for a meal.

Things are expensive. Even making things, if you want them to be high quality, using high quality materials, is expensive.

I tried to look up some fabrics online and holy crap, they're not cheap at all. I will say, though, YKK zippers are surprisingly affordable. In relative terms, of course, but I thought they were really expensive for some reason. I guess it's hard to judge, being that I have no frame of reference for the price of zippers...

Still.

I'll be spending 2 weeks with my family, from today until the 5th.

Feeling happy about that.

I feel like I rely on ChatGPT and other AI because I don't have anyone to bounce random ideas off of. I mean, that's the main function of ChatGPT for me; it's a glorified search engine, otherwise.

I'll meet my family soon. My aunt and cousins arrived today, my parents arrive two days from now, and I'll get home tomorrow. This is awesome.

Today---or last night, not sure---I looked at my investments. It hasn't been going up, which is fine, but it's a little annoying, of course. However, and this is really important, I was actually in the green on every single one! That's right, all of my DCA entries are positive, even as the market has gone down a little. If that's not great, IDK what is!

I'm gonna get paid soon, in less than a week. Hopefully I get to buy the... Not dip, it's not "dipping," more like buy the lack of growth. Maybe I'm being a little over-eager, thinking like this, but I think it's fine. It's not like I would not buy, even if it had been going up.

Bitcoin is down. Weird. Or not, not like I actually understand this.

In an instant, it all made sense.
It is as if I haven't lived
Up until this very moment;
Or like every moment I've lived
Has been for this moment alone.
The lights dim and the curtains close,
I get to come to terms with death
And see it how it truly is:

A roaring, standing ovation
For the performance of a lifetime.

I was daydreaming about meeting my oshi (Ninomae Ina'nis) and dressing nice to impress her. I don't want to go into detail about the whole scenario, but after meeting her this came to mind. I think it's pretty nice imagery. Maybe death really is like a standing ovation for a magnificent life, but I guess it depends on how you live your life? If I ever meet Ina, I do feel like I can die happy.

I wrote it as 8 verses with 8 syllables because of the octopus theme of Ina, with the final 2 verses making it a perfect 10 with the final message, with the last verse having 9 syllables, breaking the pattern, because death---the end---no matter how glorious, still feels wrong. The poem totals 81 syllables, a nod to Ina's last name, Ninomae, written as the kanji for 一 (one). I actually saw a clip today where she made a joke about that, specifically with the number 81 (and 313) and her name, so it's not even as much of a stretch as you might think!

I always have lots of fun doing IQ tests.

For some reason, I decided to do a few, these past couple of days. I always get similar results, but this time I decided to go out onto the internet and see which tests actually have some reliability to them, as far as internet tests go, anyway. I know they're not exactly reliable, in any case, but it's fun!

The Mensa one is still the toughest... I honestly can't rationalize some of the latest puzzles, it's crazy... But the other ones are fine. I did one, yesterday, that I saw randomly on Reddit. It was super easy---as in, I solved every question confidently with time to spare---but I get to the end, BAM, paywall! I felt tricked... Thankfully, there's plenty of very reasonable, free ones online.

The part that always trips me up is the vocabulary section. I really suck at that, apparently. Maybe because English isn't my first language, I'm at a disadvantage? Not sure... I consider myself fluent. Maybe I'm not as good as I think. Or maybe I just suck at language.

Me no speak so good...

I've also been doing a few nonograms. I've never been good at sudoku-type puzzles, including nonograms, but it's still fun. I much prefer minesweeper... These are all in the same game category for me.

Took a nice walk today. Feeling a little tired, my feet especially, but it's nice. I feel like I haven't been doing enough exercise lately. I've been meaning to take a few walks for a bit now, so it's good to finally actually get it done, so to speak.

Also, yesterday, I went to Burger King, hoping for my usual. Last time, I'd already noticed that the usual wasn't available, but something close enough was that I just went with that. It was cheaper anyway, but yesterday there were no vegetarian options! I felt tricked. Just went somewhere else. If they don't want my business, they're not going to get it. A shame.

That's it!

Today, I remembered an interaction I had with an old friend.

She was feeling a bit down on herself at the time, maybe, and she was talking about what aspirations she had, the things she wanted to do with her life, and what I was going to do with my life. This was near the end of high-school. Then, I was saying that I wanted to be a scientist and she was a little lost, but she wanted to be an artist---a fashion designer, specifically. She didn't know it, as I didn't really talk about it---I still don't, actually---but I was feeling rather down myself; I think it's normal, at that time in a young person's life. I was feeling like everything was meaningless, that I wasn't gonna make anything of myself, and that I didn't really love what I was doing. This is all still true, by the way, but I've more or less come up with some plans to find myself, or rather, build myself a great life, so I'm feeling better. Anyway, she said something about how what I was doing was great, and her aspirations were worthless. As in, being an artist wasn't something worth aspiring to and that what I wanted to do was a much greater and worthier ambition.

That really got me going. I'm a very effusive and quite person, so I didn't really scream at her or anything, but I was offended and a little upset. I think artists are amazing! There's that great saying, paraphrasing: we need science to live, but we live for art. It's something like that. It's not that I don't value science, I do, a lot, but I think art is so much more amazing. At the time, I told her something along the lines of "How many scientists can you name? Sure, there are the few great ones that history remembers, but how many artists can you name? Artists touch people, they get remembered, scientists don't." That was really terrible... I cringed, even at the time, and then she said something terrible like "You're actually pretty cool, aren't you?" and I think our relationship actually improved significantly after that point. I think she thought I was a little arrogant and stuck-up, or something. The point is, however, that I don't regret saying it. My opinion has shifted a little---I'm not as much of a doomer, for one---but the spirit of the message remains. I'm really happy I said that.

She has a café now, I think. She did try to be a designer, but failed. That's OK, though, I think she's doing well for herself.

Another thing, I'm not sure if I heard this today or yesterday, though to be fair I've heard it many times before anyway, but it's that the cringiest thing ever is to call something cringe. I don't think that's true at all, but I get the meaning. I think there's something to that.

I met with an old friend today, I think that's why I'm feeling so weird. It's a good kind of weird, though.

And with that, I'm out.

This isn't what I want to talk about today, but I feel the need to mention I finally got my little brother to start investing. Just a little bit, it's not too significant

he doesn't have his own money anyway

but it's a start. I hope he can start this habit early. Doubt he'll regret it.

Now to the topic at hand.

A common theme in my ramblings is my obsession with living a great life. I want to do certain things in certain ways, I want to detach myself from certain actions, etc., etc..

One of the core tenants of my philosophy, though, is this idea that waste should be minimized. Partially, this is why I care so much about buying things that will last me a long time, buying second hand, and so on. Being sustainable is important to me. However, I also care about quality. I don't just want things that are sustainable, I want good things, quality things. It does happen

not by coincidence, mind you

that being a sustainable consumer often leads to purchasing quality products, and vice-versa, so that front is covered. There is, however, the other, less glamorous, side of the coin: the things I already own.

I've mentioned that a pair of pants I bought a few months ago are way too big for me, now. I'm planning on putting them up for sale, soon. OK, that's reasonable, but what about the things that I can't really sell? Like old pairs of socks, for example? I mean, I could put them up for sale, of course, but it would be rather ridiculous and nobody would buy them. I could donate them, sure, but even that feels a bit wasteful because the odds that someone will benefit from some old, thin socks with a hole is rather minimal. It really just feels like throwing them in the bin with disinterest dressed up in some minor moral upside.

If I want to upgrade and have someone I can donate (or pass down) to, sure, but what if I can't?

The reasonable option seems to be to just use the things I already own until I can't use them any longer, but that's delaying my life! I want the good things now, not when the bad things break down!

It's a contradiction. I can't claim to want things to last if I'm not willing to use them until they break down.

I feel like I have some figuring out to do, or some inner peace to find, or something. You know what I mean. Reflection.

I love my little brother!

I hope to set him up with some good life lessons, some things I wish I'd learned earlier. I hope I make him do things I wish I'd done earlier.

It's a funny feeling, being an older brother. On one hand, it sucks to see your little brother be better than you, on the other hand, it feels like it is your duty to make sure it happens. I wish only to be the harbinger of my own misery.

In a sense, that's all anyone could ask for. To cause one's misery, to hold the reins, to control one's destiny; that is life. Misery is inevitable, so it is righteous to command it, to wield it!

I hope my little brother can sail just a bit smoother than I did.

Terrible headache today.

Not feeling so good at all...

I put some money on polymarket. Put in €20 worth, about, and took the €20 back out when I got to €30. I made it all on basketball and chess bets.

I'm curious to know what's gonna happen to the Luigi guy, the one accused of gunning down the CEO.

I'm not sure how I feel about vigilante justice. One one hand, I find it hard to rationalize how the CEO didn't deserve what happened to him, on the other hand, there's a system that should be followed. Isn't that the social contract? You follow the rules, and I'll follow the rules.

Then again, what if the rules are wack? You change them. What if you can't? You act until they change. I guess that's the reasonable train of thought there. When have you acted too much? Is there such a point?

I assume there's a bunch of philosophers that've already thought up answers to these questions.

In my opinion, as I've formed it for now, the CEO had it coming. His murder is for the better. Yet, it shouldn't have been done.

Are there times when doing the right thing is the wrong thing to do? That sounds like an oxymoron.

I really like card games. I love playing digital card games, but also IRL card games, there really is just not going wrong with a great card game.

I love playing by myself or with others, it really doesn't matter to me. I play solitaire all the time, for example.

If I ever make a video game, it'll definitely be a card game. A TCG, maybe.

There's this "new" (not that new) game going around, Balatro. It looks really cool. I'm considering giving it a try!

I wonder what the best fruit is.

I ate a really nice apple today and I often eat nice oranges as well. Personally, I prefer bananas to both of those, but I'd argue the best orange is better than the best banana, for example.

I love mango too. I'd say the best mango might be the best fruit of all.

Silly question for today.

I cleaned my room today.

In retrospect, it was filthy, though for the while since the last time I cleaned it to now, it really didn't feel that way at any point. Small bundles of hair and dust strewn around the floor tiles, little bugs dead in the corners, pieces of dirt caked into the floor; all of that seemed normal. For a moment, I could look at them and truly believe they'd always been there. It was only after I cleaned my room that I realized that there were things that shouldn't be, and even some of the things that should be were in the wrong place.

Now, the walls feel whiter than they've ever been and I don't feel anxious about walking around barefoot

something I didn't even realize I was feeling until I didn't need to feel it any longer. It's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Like someone had slowly put progressively bigger rocks in my shoes to the point where the annoyance turned to pain which turned to blood and infection, and even looking at the wound I saw my feet as they'd always been, and I had to wash my socks more often for some other reason, and I must've walked over some filthy places for my shoes to be in that state. Only after taking the damn rock out of my shoe do I remember what it's like to walk without pain.

That was maybe the worst metaphor I have ever come up with. It's honestly impressive how fucking terrible that was. I realized halfway through writing that that it was ridiculous but, for your amusement, I have decided to keep that paragraph in.

I mean it though, about my room. It feels great not to live in filth. I just always forget how good it is to be clean; I get used to being dirty way too easily.

It does make me wonder what other parts of my life are dirty.

Today, I spoke to my parents. We talked a little bit about money. My mum said that money should be used to improve my living situation. I know I'm making sacrifices, and I don't feel bad about them, but maybe I'm just used to a dirty room. Maybe I've forgotten what it's like to live comfortably. I am trying to use my money to improve my living situation

just, in the future. I want to improve how I'm gonna like in 20 years. I don't want to have to work and struggle, I want to rest and enjoy my time. That's why I work today, so I may not work tomorrow. That's how I want to use my money. Maybe this is ridiculous, I don't know. Maybe I should just spend some bucks on a better room, or get an apartment with heating. I don't think so, but I do think it's worth thinking about, so I will.

Have you ever heard of Too Good to Go? It's an interesting concept; I like it. Not the idea of avoiding food waste

not really, at least

but more so the idea of paying less for regular food, just after some time.

I ordered a surprise bag today. I'll go pick it up in just over an hour. Hoping it'll be nice!

I actually looked at the replies on some tweets. Holy crap, what a cesspool.

It's at times like these that I'm glad I carefully curate my Twitter experience; only vtubers, art, and NBA news. There's a lot of garbage out there being spewed by human incarnations of garbage.

I've been a little dehydrated lately. I'm gonna try to fix that.

Everyone's saying LeBron is washed and the Lakers are garbage. I mean, from the start of the season it seemed to me that they were garbage

purely based on the lineup

but it does still suck to see LeBron not in position to compete for the ring again.

I'm really hungry today. Well, "really hungry" is relative, not that hungry, I'm not starving or anything, but I am hungry. Ate some oranges today, small ones but quite a few, and of course lunch at the canteen. It was just OK, a little underwhelming, some chickpea thing. Not a fan.

I need to clean my room. Shall do that this weekend.

I keep wanting to fish. I've barely ever fished in my life! Certainly not enough to say I have experience or anything. I guess the idea of fresh fish to eat is just really enticing, and the whole thing seems pretty therapeutic, as far as activities go. Also, I guess I value the money-saving aspect of it. Not really sure how much fish I'd need to catch and in what way for things to be worth it... Depends on my investment in materials as well, but whatever.

A fishing license where I intend to fish is €8 a year. No clue if that's expensive, in relative terms, but it sounds very cheap.

I just realized

or maybe remembered

a quirk about my current financial situation. I have a grant that pays for my studies and an extra money for myself, which is what I consider my income. This value can't be changed on grant renewal, but it does change every year to match some factor (I think it matches inflation, but I'm not sure). However, my current arrangement is that I actually don't renew my grant, and instead I'll get a bunch of different grants in sequence.

Does this mean my income might increase year-over-year? I think the answer is yes. Good to know.

I bought a sashiko kit thing, not sure if I mentioned this last time. Excited to try it out when it arrives.

The Warriors are on a 4 game losing streak. This isn't particularly worrying, on the surface, but the streak includes both OKC and the Suns, and while the OKC game was close, the Suns game wasn't particularly so.

On one hand, I look at the statistical performance of the team and my worries subside, if only slightly.

Curry didn't play the OKC game and only shot well in the Nets game. It's good that he underperformed, in this case

that is to say it bodes well for the team

because Curry isn't likely to keep underperforming, meaning he'll improve, meaning the chances of victory are going to increase proportionally. His TOs were fine as well. Also, he's playing barely over 30 minutes a game... Which I get, to a certain extent, but also strongly dislike, on account of the losses.

Wiggins played big minutes in all 4 games, and shot poorly in a couple of games. I'm a little split, when it comes to Wiggs. On one hand, I know what he's capable of

what he's shown to be capable of

but on the other hand, what have you done for me lately? He's been doing well, this season, and his 3-ball is falling fine, but I don't know how much I should rely on this. If I assume his shooting is real, then this is fine. I'd like him to rebound a bit more, but that's life. His TOs are fine. Defensively, I know he can do the job. We can blame his poor shooting, for the few games.

Draymond also shot shit! His PFs are a bit concerning, he even fouled out against San Antonio, but overall his shooting seems to be the culprit.

I can justify the underwhelming performances with the poor shooting streak from the relevant players, I suppose. At least partially. Still, frustrating.

As I think of living on few things, I realize the need for repair. If I have things worth having, they are also worth repairing.

Sashiko is super cool, and probably a good thing to learn if I want jeans to become a staple of my wardrobe. I need to learn to sew.

Will work on it.