gondaily

I'm not looking to get into relationships. Quite frankly, the idea of getting into a relationship with someone is a little revolting. That's a strong word to use, I'm aware, but I do mean it. It's stomach-churning to think of it, to think of getting attached to someone so strongly. I don't mean for this to sound insulting or demeaning, in any way; I have nothing against relationships, and people in relationships don't bother me in the slightest (my own parents are in a relationship, wouldn't you believe it).

Perhaps because I'm so closed-off to others, when I think of what would take for me to get into a relationship, I imagine a slow-burn sort of romance, so slow that it's like it's not even moving. The sort of romance that starts of as acquaintance and somehow turns into a friendship and somehow turns into a relationship, so slow that only as the persons are getting married do they realize that they aren't just acquaintances, any more.

Maybe I'm scared of commitment? I don't think I am; then again, I'm not a psychologist.

Speaking of commitment---something I planned all along, by the way, as I wrote the title of this post before writing even a single word of the post text---, what's up with cheaters?

I think some people take love very lightly. Or rather, they take relationships very lightly, and they don't really care about love. I met a cheater---I found out someone I knew was a cheater---and it shook me a little. Of course, I know people cheat, I know there are people that cheat, but to actually meet someone. He was bragging, too, I think. At the very least, he was not not-proud of it. It was weird. I just laughed and said "that's not good, that's terrible, that's really bad," but I think it came off as somewhat unserious. He's a colleague, so I don't want to make an enemy of him by shitting on his terrible actions. I feel a little stuck, in this situation, but I feel I did what's best for me.

The more I think about this, the more I think I'm actually very normal, on the inside. Which might seem really weird, having read this post, but I mean it. I think I'm very normal, but I just think about things in a very abnormal way. I think people do feel love, but while I think of relationships as an expression of that, most people just don't. They don't actually think of it that way... I don't know what it is, though, is it transactional? He doesn't love his girlfriends, that's for sure.

A VTuber I really like says she doesn't understand love and that, at some point, she just decided to define love for herself. She just sat down and said "this is love," and then that was love. Obsession, by the way, is what she defined it as. She's in a relationship, but she says she doesn't really "love" her partner, not in the traditional sense, but that she is madly obsessed with them, which for her is love, by definition. I can understand that, to be honest. It's rational and logic, even if unhinged and weird.

How can someone be in a relationship and cheat? It's just... It's so hard for me to wrap my head around it. I understand not wanting to be in a relationship and cheating; it's shitty but it's understandable. I understand being drunk or high or something and kissing someone without thinking and then realizing you did it and thinking it was awful and regretting it; it's irresponsible but not so immoral or anything, I don't think. Actively engaging in a relationship, being with someone strongly and unquestionably, and still wanting to be with someone else? I don't know, that's just so weird.

Well, I guess poly people exist, so there's that. I don't know.

Humans are complicated, I suppose. That's the conclusion I've come to. What a revolutionary thought-leader, I am.

Yesterday, my parents talked to me about the weather. More specifically, they were worried about how cold it is over here, as we've been dipping into the negatives. They insisted---quite intensely, might I add---that I get a heater for my room. I said I didn't need a heater, as I was totally fine with my current situation, but they even they wanted to pay for it. I can afford a heater, they know that too, but they were just really worried about me, and they're worried my goals are taking control of me and making it so that I sacrifice comfort to an unreasonable extent.

Which is not true, of course.

That got me thinking about social signalling, by which I mean what people understand about us by the way that we look, talk, and so on, rather than the facts of the situation.

I think fashion plays a big role in this. I think my parents perceive my sense of fashion to be rather... Laid back, let's put it that way. Careless. Bummish. Admittedly, it is so. Now, I've decided to revolutionize my wardrobe for unrelated reasons, but I do see a change in perspective as an additional and very much welcome benefit. Wearing well-fitting jeans, clean and fashionable shoes, a nice jacket or cardigan once in a while? I think they see that and get good vibes, and I'm hoping they'll worry less. If I look put-together, they'll think I'm put-together, and stop harassing me about the weather. That rhymed. Whoever said prose is paragraphed poetry was correct.

Have I mentioned I bought new jeans? They should arrive soon. Tomorrow, or next Monday. Can't wait to try them out. The Levi's 514s I mostly wear now are really nice. Running the risk of being uncouth, allow me to mention, I do enjoy the way my butt does uh-look in them jeans. These ones I bought now are 501s, like the first ones I got and have since ingrown---lost weight, I wanted to use the opposite of outgrown but that is not what ingrown means.

And with that, I bid you

Adieu.

A cloak, a stoic expression, atop a mountain; Is there a better way to farm aura?

I don't really know why I decided to write this...

Comedy, I think. I think the whole concept of aura farming is absolutely hilarious. As in, falling on the floor grabbing my guts levels of hilarious. Can barely breathe levels of hilarious.

The cringe lines uttered---intentional use of the verb---by the farmers are always something else. I can barely move my fingers, as I write this. I'm heaving every breath.

The way people interact with each other has always been a bit confusing to me. I think that, at some point, I just gave up on thinking about why I find it such a mess, though I don't remember ever making the decision to move on.

There's a lot of drama in the Minecraft community, right now. Something about Dream and Tommyinnit or something? I watched a couple of short videos, but didn't really form an opinion on any one individual or take any sides. I guess my question is: how does one even get in this situation?

I feel like, for things to be wrong to the point where you're making a bunch of videos about each other, posts upon posts, worldwide web-gossip, you've had to have screwed up way ago.

I've had falling outs, I've had less-than-great interactions that I think were reasonable---more or less, at least---, but this is another level altogether. What's even going on? Moreover, people that are seemingly constantly embroiled in this drama, what are they even doing? Maybe I think too much. It's really hard for me to imagine finding myself in such a situation. For one, I avoid stuff like this like the plague, for two, I'd want to fix things, and for three I'd never recover from it happening once, much less twice or thrice?! MORE?!

Back in high-school, there was something going on with my friends. I can't tell you what happened, as I don't remember the details, but two girls that were best-friends, thick as thieves, had a huge falling out over a boyfriend or something. To this day, I can't tell who was wrong or right, and frankly, I don't care. It barely affected me, despite both of them being my friends. I was aware that something was happening, I witnessed some mean words being thrown, but it all just kind of flew by? Eventually, things were more or less resolved, though they aren't on good terms to this way, only tolerant of each other's presence. I think.

I use this anecdote to say that I've had some drama happen around me. I've been part of some dramatic things, first-hand and directly. I've cried with friends apologizing to each other and making up. I've people I don't speak to over... Something, quite frankly I don't know what happened, not really.

Well, I guess the bottom line is that people make mistakes?

My thoughts on this is that it'll pass. Maybe I just don't hold a grudge? Would people even hold grudges in situations I've been in?

As I think about it, I've done a lot of weird things.

I wonder if most people don't get in many fights at all. Maybe I'm actually weird to even have experienced something like that at all, to have events I can mention of things that went wrong. I don't know.

Here's a sonnet:

Please, just make up, already.
It's useless to keep fighting,
There's still sun in the morning
Whether you're dead or married.

Power down your computer,
Take your head out of your ass,
And stop being so damn crass!
If your grudge rings, just mute her!

A heartbeat is not a threat,
No mean word is a weapon.
Why don't you put down the guns?

Pot, kettle, or a black cat,
Pretend it was in good fun!
Why don't you put down the guns?

Not my best work, but at least I managed to squeeze the syllables in. Hopefully the meaning goes through. Should I have done 10 syllables? Maybe it would've been cuter, I feel like 7 is a bit short. I know nothing about English-language poetry, in case it's not glaringly obvious.

Here are 10 syllables, as a palate cleanser: To fight, to die; Soldier, is it the same?

I've been studying my Japanese quite intensely.

It's weird, I always feel like I'm improving, though it feels like it's impossible that I'm making significant strides in my journey in such little time. I suppose the conclusion I should take from this is that I'm actually not as further along as I think of myself as? OK, that's fine.

My lunch today was absolutely fantastic. It was so, so good. I genuinely considered walking up to the people in the canteen and asking about a recipe. It was that good. Tofu and couscous and rice and peas and soup and bread and an apple. It was beyond delicious. Maybe I was just starving. Or severely nutritionally deprived? I wonder if food tastes better if you're deficient in any one given nutrient, vitamin or whatever.

I cleaned my room today. It felt good to do it, since it was getting a little dirty. I also tried to organize my clothes a little bit, since a few of the items I've been wearing recently, mainly coats and jackets, had been piling up on my chair for a few days.

I've been trying to drink more water. Not sure if it's making much of a difference, considering I drink lots of water regardless, but I doubt it's hurting.

I've been eating too much like shit... I need to quit it! So I will.

I've also been thinking more and more about practising martial arts, specifically kick-boxing. I guess I'd want to learn grappling too, to be well-rounded. I used to do Judo, for a while, but I didn't like it at all. I'm different now, though, so maybe I'd feel differently about it.

I found a YT channel of a HS student posting video diaries. I thought it was similar to what I do here, but she titles every video "Entry #". Taking some inspiration.

I wore some old pants I had and was of two minds about them. First of all, I don't like them because they're stretchy. I think this is really what's fucked me throughout my pants-wearing journey: I hate stretch in my jeans. I've only warn very few jeans, in the grand scheme of things, but I've never worn a stretchy pair I like or a non-stretch pair I don't like. Coincidence? I think not! These ones are stretchy, and therefore uncomfortable. It's like I'm weirdly aware of them... It's hard to put into words. Maybe it's psychological but, at the end of the day, what matters is what I feel, and that's psychology, so that's what matters.

Visually, though, I think they looked totally fine. I didn't dislike seeing myself in them at all. They're not the straight fit that I've been preferring, but rather a sort of slim---or something to that effect---that tapered all the way down to my ankles. I think I can pull them off, but I do prefer the baggier look.

However, I found myself thinking back to my early university days. I wore those pants a few times... And I used to do that crease in the pants to make them hug my legs more. I'm not explaining this right, but I basically did something to make them be skinnier. At least I think it was these jeans, and that's really weird. I mean, they fit me totally fine, don't get me wrong, but they are not wide enough for me to do that, not even remotely close. How much skinnier was I!? I know there was a time in my first year at uni that I lost a lot of weight. It was a combination of a lot of walking, nervousness and stress, and a change in diet that lead to me dropping a lot. I didn't notice it at the time, until one day I hopped on the scale and saw some number... Which I have now forgotten. This is very frustrating to me. I don't think I was ever in the 50s, but I was in the low 60s, if I remember correctly. That is at least 13, maybe more kilograms less than what I currently weigh. That's crazy to think about, to be honest.

I still have a lot of work to do regarding my weight, even if I'm proud of what I've achieved so far. I intend to work hard to keep losing! I think I did reach my goal of 73 at some point, but I'm quite a bit above that right now on account of Christmas and New Years indulgences, but I'm still comfortably below 80 kg, which is a huge win for me any way I see it.

The CeraVe moisturizer is, so far, a gigantic failure. I tried to use it exclusively for a couple of days, but my skin felt so tight and uncomfortable that I felt I had to go back to Uriage, and when I did the difference was brutal. It's a totally different ball-game and the price difference is totally justified. Well, maybe I'm being unfair to the CeraVe moisturizer, I'm sure it works for some people, and maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance, but still. I'm gonna stick with Uriage, for now.

Now, to socks. I have these invisible (very short) socks that I wear all the time, but I'm not so sure about them. I like the idea of tiny socks and I think they're comfortable enough, but my mum has commented on them that they don't look too good when I'm sitting down because my pants ride up a little and it shows way too much ankle. I don't necessarily agree that's a bad look, but I do agree that it's something a little... Showy? I'm not sure that's the word I want to use there, but I mean that it's very much not me. As such, I've considered changing to ankle-high socks. Still relatively short, as far as socks go, but covering the ankle and therefore hopefully making it less of a thing when I'm sitting down. Also, they'll the back of my ankles a little better. When I walk a lot, I tend to get some friction burns in the back of my ankles---I've said this twice now, I mean the region of my Achilles tendon---and I'm hoping taller socks will help mitigate that.

Now trainers. I love the latest shoes I bought, I'm really looking forward to buying some other ones in that same vein. For now, I've been trying to keep them in good state, and I think I've succeeded. They could use a little cleaning, which I do do regularly, but other than that they're great. My shoes tend to get worn out in the back extremely fast, but they're looking solid so far, probably because I've been very careful putting them on and taking them out. It's nice to take care of the things you like.

Not sure if I've mentioned it, but I've put my old pants up for sale. €30. Hopefully someone buys them.

I'm not proofreading this post.

The jeans I got 4 months ago don't fit me. Or rather, they overfit me, they're way too baggy. As such, I've decided to finally purchase a new pair of pants. Second hand of course, as I'm a prince of sustainability, my grace is eternal and... Very gracious. I don't know where I was going with that, but I got some Levi's 501s in my size. They look brand-new, in the pictures, so I'm hoping it's a good purchase. Just over €20, after shipping. Not a bad price, I would say. I've very happy with my previous purchase on Vinted; I really hope I can strike gold a second time.

I'm gonna be selling my old pants. They're in perfect condition, just oversized. They cost an arm and a leg, but if I can get even just 30 bucks back for them that'd be fantastic.

I'll take some pictures and set things up tomorrow.

I've been particularly preoccupied with my personal hygiene, as of late. It's not that I think I'm unhygienic, but I do think it can be improved. Additionally, I think these habits will really make a difference in how people treat you and how long you'll get to live a stress-free life. Also, the more I think of my retirement, the more I think of the issues that are gonna come with that, specifically in old age, namely tooth decay. As such, I've elected to invest in that.

I've been flossing, lately. I didn't use to. I'm not perfect, and it's a pain in the ass, and I need to buy those interdental brushes (weren't available at my local grocery store, for some reason, but I'll look somewhere else after I make this post, worry not), but I'm doing it. I hope it'll improve my oral health. I also got an Oral-B Pro Series 3. It ran me a nice bill, but I'm hoping it'll be one of those things that last me a long, long time, and hopefully the longevity of my teeth will make it worth it.

I also got CeraVe moisturizing lotion. I have terrible skin, always have, and I've used Uriage Xémose my whole life. I mean it, literally my whole life, my mum bought it for me as an infant I'm pretty sure. I'm a little sceptical of CeraVe, since I'm so used to Uriage's products, but I'm willing to give it a fair shot. Also, I'm strongly considering buying a CeraVe cleanser and a La Roche-Posay sunscreen. Maybe I'm overdoing it, with going for "brand-stuff" instead of just buying some cheap thing, but I've been burnt before with subpar products... My skin does not take kindly to mismanagement.

I've developed a bit of a skincare routine to try and improve my skin health. I know stress is a huge factor in my skin health, and so is the wintertime---I'm not having a good time, right now---but I feel like my routine of just... Intense moisturizing is, perhaps, suboptimal. Cleanser + Moisturizer + Sunscreen seems to be the standard, as far as basic skincare routines go. It's a lot of money though, and I'm unsure of how it'll last. I know the moisturizer should last me a long time, and I don't really doubt that the cleanser will as well, but the sunscreen is a bit of a problem. From what I can see, it won't last me very long at all, if I use it regularly... Pain in the ass. I don't think that's the most critical step, anyway, and depending on what I'm gonna be doing on any given day I suppose I can forgo its usage, but still. Upsetting.

That's about it, really, as far as hygiene goes, that I want to improve on. I'll test out my toothbrush today, and I'll make sure to stick to the CeraVe moisturizer for a week to see how I like it.

If anyone that knows anything about this stuff is reading this, feel free to let me know what you think of the CeraVe moisturizing lotion as compared to other products in the category, as well as the CeraVe moisturizing cream. I was undecided between both, but I decided to go with the lotion because it seemed to be closer in texture to the moisturizer I'm used to, though I have no idea if one is better or more effective than the other.

Byebye.

Whenever I hear about India, life in India, travelling to India, it seems beyond awful.

I've talked to some Indians online, and it's been hit-or-miss, which is to be expected. I'd also expect IRL Indian people to be mostly reasonable, like, you know, people everywhere? Somehow though, everything I hear online about India (the country) is that it's dirty, misogynistic, and rude. I know that there's a higher chance for people to share the extremes---meaning that terrible experiences in India get shared more than normal experiences do---but it's still remarkable.

I actually wanted to visit India very much, I've even mentioned in my last (or second to last?) post that I'm planning to learn Hindi, but this stuff is messed up. I wonder if Goa is much different from the rest of the country. I wonder what India is really like.

As part of my Japanese learning, I read. I love Toradora---I've watched the anime several times and read the light novel, as well---so I decided that something in that same vein (drama, romance) would be a good bet for a light novel that I would enjoy, in Japanese, and that I could use to learn.

I picked "How to Keep a Distance from a Beautiful Girl," by Maromi Maroyaka. It's a webnovel, which makes it very accessible and the browser-based side of it does also help with looking stuff up and actually learning new words and grammar. Overall, I'd say it's just OK. I don't love it so far (I'm on Chapter 2...), but I see the appeal and I'll keep at it, at least for a little while longer.

The main character is a guy that lives a very detached life. I mean that he doesn't really have friends, he doesn't go out with people, he's not interested in getting a girlfriend... It's not that he's a bad person, or even unfriendly---as a matter of fact, he's very friendly and does have one (1) good friend, so he's relatively well-adjusted---, he simply doesn't care to live a life plugged into the social sphere. Hence, detached. The novel does strongly indicate that he doesn't actually feel this way, my guess is that there was some sort of trauma that we're gonna learn about eventually, and, as the title might suggest, he'll almost certainly start engaging with more and more people as the story progresses until he has a large social circle. Hopefully I'm wrong about the cliché progression of the narrative, but I suppose I'll have to read to find out.

I watched a video that brought up what I thought was a very poignant point: if you want a good accent in a second language, you need to focus on listening first, and then reading. The idea is that, if you're already familiar with the language (structure, vocabulary), your brain will simply skip over the spoken word. You know what's being said, because you know the language, so you'll fail to pick up on the sound of the language, and therefore never develop a truly native accent. Is this based in any science at all? No clue. Might be total rubbish. However, it does sound weirdly reasonable.

Truth be told, I don't care if it's true, but I shall use it as an excuse to introduce variety into my study sessions. I'm big on reading, so if I don't have a reason to listen, I'll probably neglect it.

Whenever I listen to Japanese, I find myself shocked at how much I understand. I miss a lot, mind you, but I can honestly keep up with basic conversation. If people are talking about "normal" or "everyday" things, I can most definitely understand them. Reading too, though often I don't actually know how to read something, I usually know what it means. Kanji are tough, but very cool.

And with that, I'm out.

A new year. I've decided to start some better habits.

I feel like I try to start better habits every other week, but some of them have been sticking, which I see as a very positive thing. If you do enough things poorly, it might just amount to doing one thing well. Or whatever.

I'm fluent in two languages. I think so, at least. My English isn't perfect, but I'd say it's functional enough to satisfy. Actually, I remember reading some Reddit posts I had made many years ago, as a kid, really, and finding them completely incomprehensible. I posted to r/Jokes; I must've thought whatever I meant to say was absolutely hilarious, but it was just gibberish. I point this out to say that I'm at a point in my English language learning that I can tell that I've improved a lot even from a point where I thought I was already really good. I'm hoping this means I'm actually really good now.

Digressing, Japanese. I don't really speak it, per se, but I do hold what I consider to be a walk around level of Japanese. If I were to need to make my needs known to a random Japanese person, I would more than likely be able to do so. I would struggle, no doubt, but I'd get it done. I'm confident. Similarly, if a Japanese person---with the patience of a saint---wanted to tell me something, I would probably be able to understand them, provided they speak slowly and choose simple words. I think I fucked up my tenses there, by the way, in case you---the reader---noticed, just know I'm aware.

I also want to know---speak and read and write and listen---French, because I think it's one of those languages that a lot of people just randomly know, so it'll provide a very good bridge for communication with people whose languages I don't speak. A lot of African countries use French as a lingua franca or have it as an official language, for one. My Portuguese endows me with a good-enough understanding of Spanish, in my opinion, that learning the language would probably be very unsatisfying and not really change much of my interactions with Spanish content online.

The other language I want to learn is Hindi. There's lots of Hindi speakers all over the world, though mainly in India, of course. I'm just a bit... Well, the problem is that I don't really know anything about Indian culture and the linguistic landscape over there, so I don't know how useful it'd actually be. At the end of the day, I guess it's fine. I know there's lots of Hindi stuff online, so it'll probably be fine, but still, I'm slightly concerned about whether or not it's the right choice. My other idea was learning Arabic, but I don't like the idea of having to learn MSA and then a dialect, likely Egyptian Arabic. It just sounds really annoying. Also, I feel like learning Chinese after learning Japanese is such a cliché for a European guy that likes anime that I'd rather not do that. Perhaps a bad move, but learning a language, regardless of which one it is, seems unlikely to be to my detriment, regardless.

And with that, I conclude my diatribe.

In other words, byebye.

I don't really like those hyper-minimalist homes with blank walls and a single, cube-of-wood bedside table. They look empty

in a bad way

and soulless; they lack personality.

However, I don't really think personality can be bought, at least not in a shop. Buying some cool lamps or vases to put your succulents in, or something like that, feels tacky and soulless too. Reminds me of those clichés of people wearing band-shirts and getting asked "name 10 songs by that band!!!!" and such. Hilarious memes, by the way.

There's a sticker of the Gladewater Rodeo Round-up in my room. No clue if someone actually participated or attended or whatever you do at that thing, but it's a real event, and a real sticker. That's the kind of thing I want to have in my home. That's personality.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to do things, and then get mementos from those things, and then put them in my house. Revolutionary idea, I know. I simply had never thought of that before.

The marriage thing was not that bad. The food was meh, really everything was fine. It was tolerable. I liked the coat I wore, it made me feel cosy and nice, and I think it looked kinda cool.

I miss watching livestreams. I keep missing my favourite streamer because I've been doing a bunch of stuff these past couple of weeks... Dang it.

That's it.

I often find myself daydreaming about being in a relationship.

I don't feel that I want to be in a relationship, but it's fun to think about, on the surface level.

Tomorrow, I'll attend a wedding for the first time. I'm not excited, for many reasons, but I hope it'll be a fun experience. There's free food too, which I deeply appreciate.

I had sushi today with my grandma and family... It was cheaper than expected, though not by much, so it's OK. I wasn't the one paying anyway, so I guess it's whatever.

I hope to, one day, sleep all day, then do it again, and nobody gets on my case about it. Unrelated to the other statements, but I feel strongly that I want to do that one day so I wrote it.

Byebye!

I think potatoes are really great.

Fried, mashed, boiled, fried (again)... It's really hard to go wrong. Baked. I mean, really. The versatility is... Unmatched? I feel that might be wrong, but there are very few ingredients on potatoes' level.

Love to all my potatoes out there.

Some old people are really cool. They know a lot of stuff, for one, and they provide much needed perspective, sometimes.

Other old people, however, are fucking stupid. I guess that's the world in a nutshell: some people are worth listening to, some aren't.

It upsets me when I realize some people around me are of the second kind. It fills me with a weird sort of envy when I see people that I will never have a chance to talk to be of the first kind.

I saw a video of Jimmy Carter at 94 giving an interview. Also, I've seen Joe Biden on the news.

Crazy.

Edit: Apologies for the riddle-like nature of this post.

A new year is coming. For a lot of people, it's already arrived. A new year is just another day, but I believe there's meaning in symbolism

hilarious, I know.

I started reading Re:Zero today. Poignant? An omen, perhaps. Then, I daydreamed about talking to someone with a very high IQ (because I saw some Socrates/Plato TikTok edits). A light peaks through the curtains. I looked up something about that on YT, got a video, and the person basically says that I should actually put in the work so that I'll get what I want. Damn it!

I HATE WORKING! I DON'T WANT TO WORK!

However, there's something to be said about that. The truth is that, while very capable, I can't actually just snap my fingers and make my dreams come true. It's gonna take time, and if I manage to hurry things up by being good at what I'm doing, or increase my chances of success by putting in work, or just make my life easier by making it harder in the short-term, I should. I hate to say that, because I hate to work, and saying this is basically an admission that I'm willing to put in the work, it's like admitting defeat.

I want my life to be smooth sailing. I want to just do whatever I feel like and have it work out. I still believe it will, but I'm feeling like I want it to work out faster.

As such, I've come to terms with my inadequacy. I'm not good enough to do nothing and have it work out like I want it to. I need to actually do something, put in some work. This sucks, but hopefully it'll suck less in some 4 years? Please, wish me luck. I know this might sound very weird (or even paint a very negative image of me), but I'm very serious about this.

Anyway, about that high IQ conversation I was talking about. I wonder what it's like talking to someone like that. I often feel very frustrated, talking to others, and I wonder if talking to someone that, IDK, I guess understands the world more or something, might be a different experience. I love talking to people that know more than me about stuff. I don't know.

I've been working on some technical writing for a couple of projects. We're looking for funding.

I was slow, so I could only get one of them finished. A shame really... Except the deadline got extended, so now I get to finish both! Amazing.

This is really good news for me. Well, I hope so, anyway. I wonder if I can put this on my CV: "Experience with technical writing" or something, even if they don't get funding lol.

I'm still sick, but getting better.

Going onto shopping today, with my family, I was reminded of the realities of everyday consumerist life.

My lil bro has gotten in LoL. Have I failed, as an older brother?

Sadness overwhelming.

I'm sick... Throat nose, everything...

Growing up, I never thought of myself as a creative person. I'm good at remembering things, and I'm good at thinking about things, so I do end up coming up with clever solutions to problems

I'm a problem solver at heart, which I suppose is a reason I went into engineering

but I never thought of myself as creative. Somehow those two things seemed so distinct, to me.

I think I might've been putting myself in a weird sort of box. I didn't think of myself as creative, so I didn't build that muscle, or rather, I built it while solving problems, but never applied it to art.

Now, I find myself wanting to make things. Write a novel, make a game, make a movie... Stuff like that; draw. It feels weird to try and come up with ideas that don't serve a purpose. It's not like optimizing my wardrobe for durability and versatility, or writing some code to make my browser better fit my needs. I have another kind of problem: I want it to be beautiful, fun, interesting; not useful.

I do feel it's a large failure, on my part. One thing I always imagined for myself was developing a philosopher life-build: knowing a lot about a lot of things, doing a lot of things. Being an artist and an artisan and a thinker. I'm a thinker alright, but I'm severely lacking in the other departments... I'm working on both, though, and I hope to continue to make progress.

Had some sushi with my family today. Not just sushi, it was one of those Wok places that have a bunch of different food, including but not limited to sushi. I mostly ate sushi though, I prefer it.

I did also have this delicious thing, some very nice breaded fish. Panga I think was the name? Deep fried. It was so good, I can't stress this enough. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

It was lots of fun to be with family too. I love my family very much, is what I'm getting at.

I was with the other side of my family today. I like them, but I must admit I'm much less comfortable around them. I still appreciate the moment, and being together as family, but yeah.

I felt a little out of place regarding relationships, though. All my cousins are in a relationship, and all of them had Christmas lunch with us. I'm the middle cousin, so both the younger cousins and the older cousins are in a relationship, one of them is gonna get married in 2 weeks, and I'm out here single. I don't mind being single, I love being single, but it did hit me a little. Good chance it hit me harder because my mom enquired about my relationship status a few days ago too...

Regardless, I'm happy to be where I'm at and how I'm at. I feel like I lead a good life.

I feel like the things I think can't be made real. Does that make sense? There's so much in my head that it feels impossible to get it all out. I can't formulate the words, I can't draw my thoughts either. I think that's why I like poetry, not that I'm good at that either, but I like that it's meant to be a way to say how you feel without having to spell it out, because I can't spell it out.

A lot of the time, these posts feel like poetry to me. I'm aware they don't really come across as such, and they're clumsy and rambling, but it's a way I have found to express myself.

I talk about the things I love because I think maybe people will understand me, if they know what I care about. Even if I can't tell them who I am, they might be able to guess at the shape of me from how I interact with the world.

I'm not sure I have passions. I have things I love, like my family and taking a walk at night and listening to music and reading a nice book. I love doing those things, but I'm not sure they're passions. I feel like, maybe, I've been conditioned to see passions as things you want to do all the time. Or maybe that is what a passion is. Or maybe not.

I think that my shot at doing something meaningful is so small that it's not worth trying. I still feel that I should try, though I don't want to. I saw a video just a bit ago about having talent but no passion. I've never really struggled in my life; I think that's a combination of luck and talent. I think I'm really good at getting things done. I'm one of those people that never tries and still somehow manages to do it. I was like that in high-school, during my bachelor's, during my master's, I'm doing it during my PhD. I just put it a little bit of work and it keeps working out. I guess it upsets me that I manage to get through life without effort, because I feel like I'm being pushed forward without direction. I just keep going because doors just keep opening for me and I feel like I should take them, even though I don't want to. Maybe that's talent without passion. Sometimes I get bursts of interest in something, sometimes that's my work, but even then I always just get that feeling that I don't need to try. That even if I just keep going I'm gonna get there, and trying hard will just be worthless effort.

I've been saying for a while that my dream was to be a waiter at a sweets' shop. I honestly think that's true. I've always thought the idea of a dead-end job to be really appealing, something where you just clock in and clock out, you do the same things every day, there's no expectations one way or the other, you just do your thing and that's it.

If I could choose what I do from now until I retire, I'd choose to be a waiter at a sweets' shop.