Autism

I'm a very typical late diagnosis case: "gifted" underachiever, sensitive, obedient afab. I'm about half way through my career, about 15 years in engineering. I'll let you do the rest of the math.

I'm outwardly successful but miserable and it's hurting my family too. A lot of the problem is burnout and I believe the only way to stop this is to just learn to live with my limitations (e.g. go feral, stop pretending in something I'm not) I thought that meant somehow figuring out how to work less and actually doing that instead of being in a constant panic.

Today I solved a problem that's been causing my client issues for YEARS. Things have always seemed off, but I was one voice against many telling me "that's normal" or writing me off as someone who isn't smart enough, professional enough, etc.

So anyways shit has gone off the rails and I'm told to drop everything and work on it. Finally, the closest to uninterrupted time to do my actual job versus all the bullshit I have to spend my limited energy on day to day!

Well, I've figured it out and it explains SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PLACE. I'll spare the details (y'all know I'm publishing this shit later) but everything is just kind of "off" along the process path however the end result is really good so all the slightly off stuff gets ignored. For decades. Some of the stuff that's "slightly off" is costing big money. Like several times my salary big. I think I found the cause and now I just need to figure out the least risky way to get where we need to be. We're having runaway reactions (expensive, not dangerous) and it's poisoning itself so we need to be careful or we'll kill the whole thing.

I feel like I'm vibrating so hard I'm going to come off centre like a washing machine. I guess this is what stimming is? I've never allowed myself to feel this joy. Like, maybe a few times when I've been alone on a job site I'd shake a little when I figured something out. Or I'd do a 3 second long exaggerated cele, totally for the amusement of others and not because I physically can't stay still, nope not at all...

This fucking rules and I'm not going to hold it back any longer.

I'm fucking invincible if you just give me the time to process. My brain spits shit out faster than I can understand especially when I'm otherwise over stimulated. So it's like I miss everything and need to start again, and again... Like a constant loop of frustration.

I've been very angry at work, crying a lot too. People are acting weird around me because I'm at my limit and can't hide it. So I ask politely to only be contacted for emergencies, telling people I'll get back to them instead of dropping everything and people REALLY don't like that. I can see their reaction to my attempt to take care of myself and that sends me spiralling because it's just reinforcing that I'm not allowed to have limitations.

The past week I'm just so beyond my limit I just said fuck it and ignore all sorts of things and then ignore all the trouble I'm in about in. My bosses really don't care because they are also at their limits and I've got enough clout that I get some leniency before I have to deal with things. So I've been doing shit I love (with the aim to solve the problem). I've been in the lab - first serious time spent in one for years. I realise no one here really knows why they are doing certain tests or what to do with the results. Fuck. I'll have to deal with it later but for now I'm focused on listening to my own weird brain and going along for the ride.

Over the last couple of years I've started down so many lines of inquiry, so many investigations frustrated by having no "free" time. So I forget. I know something's not quite right but I don't have enough uninterrupted time to investigate. I took that time in the last two weeks, whether people wanted to give it to me or not.

A few months ago I started down the path of creating a new position for myself. I got a lot of what I asked for, but I think I can use this absolutely fucking massive result to finally get left the fuck alone to solve my puzzles.

Thanks for letting me scream that into the void 💕

until the last several years of my life I had no good understanding, and then what I suppose must have been my bad karma ripened and the Universe decided to teach me over and over and over again:

it is 100% possible to be an introvert who prefers quiet activities, and also be a motor-driven, always doing something Type A personality who has no concern whatsoever for stillness

I thought I would be okay living with introverts 🥲 but in practice after ending up with ones like this, nothing could be further from the truth 🥲 it is literally destroying my life while shortening my lifespan 🥲

I'm learning French, long ago I found the idiom "c'est la vie" (this is life), and I like it quite a lot, it describes struggles that are common to human life, but then I found this one "c'est la vie de l'autiste" "this is the life for the autistic (person)", and I kinda fell in love with the idiom.

I think it is a beautiful idiom to describe our common struggles and hardships we face as autists, our shared problems and experience navigating trough life, and I thought I would like to share it, because I think is such a nice way to describe what unite us as autistic persons, the common struggles.

We get misunderstood, we misunderstand, we don't get the context, we hurt people without intention, we can't tolerate food, noises, textures, we get obsess on the topics we love only to find people don't care as much as we do, and so much more, for sure, for most autists, only some of these things are true for them, but on average, they are very real.

And yeah, I'm only focusing on the sad, there are a lot of good things about being autistic, but this idiom isn't for that.

Autistic people are usually portrayed as change-adverse, and a lot of times traditional-tending people, and for sure some are, i have meet a few, but at the same time, a lot of new or alternative stuff is full to the brim of autists as well, like here, the Fediverse, is reasonably easy to find autists here, linux is another great example, linux spaces are full of linux-autist too.

In my experience, some autistic people are way more open to give a chance to new or different stuff than most people, not all autists, for sure, but many enough to notice this pattern, i think all people i have ever convinced to try linux are autistic, not even a single NT.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/38445203

I just launched a website for us all. The reason I created it is because good quality and relevant websites FOR us are hard to find. I mean, there are organization-owned websites that push political agendas, but ugh. I felt like there is a need for this.

I’m also looking for contributors! I want this website to have voices from all over the world. This is not my blog, I want it to be a valuable resource.

Please feel free to check it out, and give feedback on how it can be improved.

The link: https://www.thedigitalaspie.com/

The “aspie” part of the website name was chosen because it sounds less clinical or rather more casual/friendly. Please know that no offense is meant.

I have created a matrix space for autistic people. the invite link is here

Please let me know if there are any problems with the invite link.

Disclaimer: I am not diagnosed autistic and don’t officially self identify. The following is just an attempt at understanding the lived experience. Nevertheless I relate to a lot of the experiences of the community and I am researching autism, as much as my energy and time allows for quite some time now. Also my doctor is telling me to look into autism as a possibility. This post is not describing my experience as a whole, but one aspect.

I have a question for people on the spectrum (especially that have masked very heavily) and I am trying to find people that relate to the following:

Did you have problems with your self esteem/ confidence, when it comes to decisions that may involve other people? E.g. you ask a lot if it is ok to do something, like putting your shoes in the hallway in front of my room (this is in a shared apartment). Afterwards I question if I have asked too much and if that was necessary, but also feel guilty, when I don’t ask.

How to make any good decisions if the mask is so ingrained in oneself? I feel like I will never be myself again. I can’t hide myself anymore and I can’t not, if that makes sense.

I wanted to explain more but I don’t have the energy rn. I hope someone understands this. I don’t even know if I’m asking for help or just getting things out of my head…

Edit: The reason I am writing this is because I feel like I don't have the energy anymore and am starting to relive more and more of the experiences that I had when I was younger and wasn't accepted most of the time.

Edit2: I didn't know if the post fits in this community. If it doesn't, I'll delete it and post someplace else.

I have the "I hate feeling wet/oily when I'm supposed to be dry" autism. I also have the "It feels like 10s of itchy razor-blade cuts when my skin is so dry it cracks" autism. This cold front has my skin too dry and cracked. It's about to be worse than air drying after swimming at the beach and then putting on a shirt. I'm running out of meltdown prevention juice. Does anyone have any lotion or other remedies? I'm like 3 tragedies away from meltdown.

Winner: CeraVe Daily Moisturizing Lotion!! And CeraVe PM for the faceeee!! I feel my skin starting to be less mad at me already. Thank you everyone!

I have been busy with studies and getting certified as a network person lately. how are you?

Hey all, and thank you to Pandoras_box for booting up this server.

So, the subject says it all -- I got a diagnosis last week! Maybe a year and a half ago I started watching vids on youtube about adult diagnosis (I'm in my 40s), and I kept going "huh. ok. well THAT would certainly answer this question.. and that about my childhood.. and my marriage.. and my obsessive hobbies.. and, and, and..." So I kind of rolled with it for a while. But it got to the point where I really needed to know. Imposter syndrome. Using a half-baked excuse with my family members like "well IF I'm on the spectrum, ..." But now I know! Such a relief.... I was so nervous in the days leading up to it, that I'd be told "sorry... you've just got a case of anxiety and OCD" or something.

Also, I haven't been billed yet, but it looks like it's going to be mostly covered by my insurance, which is amazing. (Honestly, I probably wouldn't have done it if it was going to be a thousand dollars+++ out of pocket.)

Umm. Anyway it's still sinking in. But I just wanted to share my excitement with y'all lemmings who understand. ^^_^^ Thanks for reading.

As a autistic trans person who has little to no ability to mask and the current "administration" we have in America. What is things I can do to survive it knowing that most places for community around me are not disability or autism friendly. At least not towards me.